I wouldn’t say I’m fully happy. I would say I’m satisfied but yet fell like I’m not making progress to what and where I should be at. There are things that I’m proud of that I’ve been able to achieve, obtaining a decent job, working my way to being independent and being able to help my parents with bills.
But there are certain things I wish to have/be. I wish to be independent that I’ll be able to live alone in my own place but this dream become difficult due to my next wish. I wish to learn how to love, how to care for stuff again. At first there was a perfect reason to ignore everything and focus on my well-being and my “dreams”, but those feelings stuck.
There are many times where I switch on this fake/old me when I’m around people because I feel that if I show them this side of me, the side of not caring for anything else but me. The side of me that can stare at something horrific and be able to laugh it due to my coping mechanism and my liking of things being “out of the norm”. I hate myself for being able to be around good, funny hardworking people and yet the moment I leave their presence I automatically turn back into my quiet don’t care what’s happening around me self. Of course I enjoy my quiet time but I always feel the way I do this always feels like I really don’t care about others once I have their approval on a friendships or social agreement.
Another thing that makes this into a problem is my ability to love again or at least to try and feel close to someone to the extent that I want to be constantly with this person. I was once deeply in love back in high school but of course high school is always said to be just for the moment and you’ll find your true love later on in life. But no. Not for me. When I met this one person I was so madly in love I was certain I would be with her for the rest of my life and it will be great. But it didn’t happen. We broke up but stayed close to each other afterwards. There was an understanding of feelings between us. How we cared for each other but knew that we couldn’t give each other was we want. I was upset with this realization. That I knew the only way I can clean my head about this feeling is just to ignore it and keep on going. In which it effected me in the long run. When ever I’m with a group of guys talking about women and how sexy they’re I can not relate to the slightest. I end up not caring and just sitting on the sidelines just laughing and responding to whatever they say. Plus I don’t see me trying to develop a relationship with anyone this year again.
So I wouldn’t say I’m happy, I would say that I’m satisfied to an extent. And I hope I can make it better this year.
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