'Tis the Season in Feeling like Sybil

Wow.. It’s been awhile since I’ve been here and EVERYTHING looks different. I don’t think I like it.. my entries don’t look anything like me anymore! (I’m all about color!)
Anyway.. I just came here to vent, cry, moan.. whatever. I have no one I can talk to about this in real life. No one that completely understands. And it’s just me whining… my problems. I know others have problems way worse than I do. But my problems are important to me, they are big to me, and I’m the one dealing with them. And they get to me.

    It's Christmas.. which use to be my favorite time of year. I'd start listening to Christmas music as soon as the Thanksgiving meal was cleaned up; start decorating and shopping and wrapping and baking weeks ahead of the big day.  But things are different now.

Losing our business.... my kids growing up… Christmas is really sucking this year.
We have no money for gifts. I know gifts are not important.. but I’m the mom. I’m suppose to have gifts for my kids and “adopted” grandkids, and nieces and nephews, and husband and parents. There are suppose to be stockings filled with goodies and packages under the tree, and cookies and candy....
and there is none of that this year.

   We are a month behind on all utilities and car payments. We've lost some of our utilities. We are facing reposession of a vehicle... we owe one payment on it.. ONE, and we can't make it.  We have no insurance for our house or vehicles. One has had expired tags since April b/c we can't pay the property taxes due and get insurance to get the tags renewed for it.

I’m having to do careful planning of meals, pinch pennies, eat leftovers (which isn’t a problem for me, but the rest of the family isn’t fond of that.) No eating out. No going out. No frivolous spending. Having to overdraw my account the maximum they’ll let me and live on cash for 2-3 weeks of the month until it’s payday again because living on one salary doesn’t provide enough to cover everything.

  Still having to take care of my MIL, whose Alzheimers is getting worse, but we can't afford to put her in a home, and as callous as it sounds, nobody wants her living with us. (She's never been a pleasant person to be around.)  Stress at school due to new testing, kids with behavior issues, and parents who expect little Johnny to ace everything even tho he is a grade level behind but they wouldn't retain him so he could become successful at learning.

 My own parents' health is declining. My youngest is in college and thinks she is grown but yet still is owed everything she wants in life. (What happened to my sweet little girl?)

My middle child is refusing to get a driver’s license and job b/c he doesn’t like being around people. My oldest has a degree, but quit looking for a job in his field b/c of his physical stature.

   I feel like a failure all the way around. I've failed as a mother b/c my kids aren't living up to their potential. I've failed as a child b/c I don't cherish caring for ailing parents. I've failed as a teacher.... no wait, I am a good teacher. My students love me. Past students love me. Future students from lower grades love me. Most parents love me, I think... but b/c I have experience and know how things work, I sometimes don't agree with admin or policy or curriculum, and let them know about the short comings when asked. So I guess I've failed as a team player.  I've failed as a provider. I don't bring home enough to take care of a family on my own. Which I guess really isn't totally my fault. It's just sad that a teacher cannot support a family on one income alone.

 I feel like people have failed me, too. They aren't doing what I want the to do when I want them to do it. They aren't taking initiative to help me make all of our lives better.  They won't get off their butts and do the right thing!

 And now it's Christmas. And I can't get presents for my family. I can't fill their stockings.

I have bought groceries for a Christmas dinner, but it will be a bare one. Not the lush/lavish ones like in the past, like my friends will be having. It’s killing me.
I know it’s not the end of the world. I know I should “rely on God”, that “He will fight for me” and I should “wait in the Lord, on His timing....”. but I’m even feeling now that He has abandoned me. That He’s just sitting back and watching me suffer. That He doesn’t care.
My head knows better. I do have a firm foundation in my beliefs… but my heart wonders why. Why isn’t He helping me now? He has in the past.. where is He now? I turned to Him and He let me suffer and let things get worse. Now it’s hard to keep relying on Him, keep trusting/believing…even though I know I’m suppose to.

 But I'm not as bad off as I could be... others have it way worse than I do.

I just worry that it won’t be that way for much longer. Things have slowly been getting worse for about 2-3 years now. I’ve been waiting, and trusting, and hoping.... but things keep going downhill.

Merry Christmas to me.

Last updated December 20, 2017