Sister in 2014

After 4 years I received this text message from my sister today:

Hello, I’m sorry I was a cow to you during my wedding and on many other occasions when my attitude has been less than kind. I know mum’s being a bit nutty at the moment so I’ll try and ring you after it’s all died down. But I wanted to let you know.

My brother tells me she wrote this getting on a plane to Sri Lanka. Did she want to let me know she’s sorry or that mum’s acting nutty again? Ugh…

Backstory

My sister acted like an offensive fool towards me during her wedding 4 years ago. After I returned home $5k lighter she tried to tell me how that I was an awful sister because I hadn’t been there for her enough. My response was that if she wasn’t going to be grateful for what she did have and wanted to focus on misplaced blame and negativity then I wanted no part in it. I’d done what I could for her at the time to the best of my ability. I wasn’t going to sit there while she twisted and manipulated every kind, thoughtful and loving action into something sinister.

Example: It was my fault she didn’t want to have a conversation with her bridesmaids about what dresses they would wear at her wedding. Instead, she let them choose their own dresses. I live on the other side of the country, I wasn’t even in her wedding as a bridesmaid or any other important role. How on earth was that one my fault? She’s yet to explain that one.

Rather than look at the situation logically, calm down and act rational my sister decided to cut me out of her life and block me from all attempts to contact her. Facebook, email blocking, refusing to answer my phone calls etc. I’m not going to lie. Her actions hurt me, a lot. If I had of deserved this “punishment” from her for my actions then I’d understand. What really hurt though is the way she just removed herself from my daughters life. She stopped being a loving, caring aunt towards my daughter. It was difficult explaining the situation to my daughter and supporting her emotionally through that situation when I was hurting from it too.

The final nail for me was when I heard my sister was pregnant. The family started ringing me asking me to confirm the news (because I’m the only reliable person in this family that answers their phone). I had to explain to each person that rang that my sister doesn’t talk to me and cut me out of her life. Fun times. My sister’s gone on to have her baby and I believe he’s almost 1yo now.

Mum rang me last week in tears because she’d planned to go visit my sister and the baby but she had cancelled the trip at the last minute. Her reasoning was that she wanted to give my sister space to grieve the death of her paternal grandma. Mum’s reasoning was flimsy at best. The real reason she cancelled is because she’s afraid to travel and visit a new place because she’s an alcoholic and a drug addict. If she visits a new place where is she going to score drugs from? How is she going to stand not drinking for 6hrs or up to 9hr travel. It upset me to hear Mum so upset so I suggested she go to NA/AA and speak with people who can offer her kindness and understanding.

So my Mum has spent the past week calling everyone who will listen (my brother and sister) to tell them what a terrible person I am for suggesting she seeks support. This is what an addict does, they manipulate and create drama. When I spoke to my brother about it I said surely we’re not the first family to deal with this problem. Surely there are organisations out there who can support her and help her get the assistance she needs. Because I’m damn tired of being the one who does it all the time. Either she helps herself or she doesn’t but I’m washing my hands of the responsibility of fixing her problems. When she rang my brother she cried saying she’d rung me for support and I’d given her none. I pointed out to my brother that a relationship is a two way street. She can’t ring me for support but then offer none in return and I’m not sure if she’s forgotten but she’s the parent in this relationship, we’re the children!

Anyway, she hasn’t taken kindly to my new attitude. I’ve started attending NA/AA support meetings for people who’s lives are affected by addicts in their family. I have to say it’s given me so much strength. Knowing there’s other families out there in the same situation. Hearing the success stories of people who have followed the steps to recovery and the support they offer through their experiences.

Ugh, family drama. FML