Beginning in Journal

I struggled this week to complete a paper for my Abnormal Psychology course, and realized that my writing muscle has weakened too much over the years. I used to be an avid journaler, which kept me sharp. Beginning this journal is my attempt to set up a writing exercise regimen.

I’m approaching the end of my pre-requisite course load, and if all goes well, a year from now I will be in an M.F.T. program. That will mean many required writing assignments on the horizon. I’m trying not to be afraid, but it is a daunting prospect. I get writer’s block a lot these days. Often I will stare at the screen for minutes, unable to articulate even one sentence. Then I get frustrated and leave to do something that’s easier.

Thoughts in my mind no longer seem to circulate in a purely verbal way. I often dwell in a mental realm of indescribable emotions and atmospheric impressions. A favorite mode of communication in recent years has been through the medium of music videos - sending and receiving, or posting them onto a forum. The combination of the lyrics, music, and images conveys more accurately what I wish to share than linear prose.

There are only a few people I’ve encountered who communicate well through the medium of music videos. With one of them, I’ve had marathon sessions (up to twelve hours straight) during which we “spammed” each other music videos in order to convey stories, emotions, and impressions to one another. “Spamming” was the word we used to describe this exchange, and we had other unique terms within our shared language of “Spammish”. Later on, we both discovered that we’re likely on the autistic spectrum. That’s been a personally life-changing discovery, one that marks a very positive shift in self-concept. I used to always carry a vaguely portentous notion that there was something irredeemably wrong with me; now I recognize my brain just works differently. And better still, there are many like me out there! I am not alone.