The Hell That is Addiction in Wondering Woman

I have a lot on my mind about the subject right now so this is basically a vent to get some stuff of my chest and gain some order from my thoughts.

To me, being an addict is in ways similar to the question of why someone would stay with an abusive partner. I used to not understand why someone would stay in a relationship with someone that hit them, demeaned them, etc. I would think “Just leave them!” and I couldn’t fathom what kept them there.

When I lost control over a drug and became addicted, I started to really understand. While they are different situations, leaving something is not as easy as it seems.

People do drugs for various reasons. The drug I lost control to- amphetamines, or speed- made me feel like the confident, outgoing, and motivated person I always wanted to be. I fell in love with that feeling. This is where drug addiction becomes a mindfuck.

I started doing it more often. And as to be expected, I started to feel like shit without it. When it wore off, my moods flipped from feeling great to a mind-numbingly low in a matter of hours. I ate less. I slept less. Eventually, even on the drug I didn’t feel so high. I would get angry easily on it, paranoid, anxious. Oftentimes, I would take it and it would make me feel worse. When I stopped taking it for periods of time, withdrawal would make me feel crushing depression and emptiness. I’d lose days of work to oversleeping. I lost interest in achieving goals in my life and eventually who I was as a person.

Even after all the negatives, the psychological cravings to keep using were often almost unbearable. It’s hard to describe unless you’ve experienced it why someone would keep doing this to themselves, to their loved ones– but when you’re addicted, your mind convinces you that you need it. Without it, the lows you feel can be indescribable.

Deep down inside you, you know that if you just stop, break away, and give it time you will start to uncover yourself again and be okay. The only way is to cut off completely. I always knew this, and yet I still relapsed many times after a few weeks. Cravings override logic. The most insidious thing about them is your mind convinces you they are logic.

Drug addiction takes over who you are as a person. It changes on an instinctual level what your mind thinks is needed for survival. And it’s really fucking HARD.

I have a lot of respect for people who have overcome addiction or been through something like it. It’s a very lonely battle. And it’s not one everyone is able to survive.

Last updated October 26, 2017