Well, here I am.. I honestly would prefer to write this out, by hand, on a piece of paper, the old school way
But I don’t have any, and if I want some that means I would have to go to the living room and someone would know something’s up
So my alternative I this
I love writing
When I have a piece of paper in front of me I am able to express myself fully, and I am able to say everything that is on my mind
In person I can’t do that, and I have no idea why it’s so difficult for me
Is something wrong?
I can never do anything right
Where did I go wrong?
I hurt the ones I love, and even worse, I know that they love me
I let my pride get in the way every single time, and I know I’m wrong
I try to overcome it, I really do, but there’s something that just won’t let me
I admit that I need help
At times, mostly all the time, I feel I’m fine
And I guess I’m a good actor, I play it off really well
But when THIS happens, it’s when I realize that I need someone to talk to
That someone for me has always been a pen and paper
I have a friend who is a psychologist
But lo and behold, we don’t talk anymore
I hurt the people I love, I push everyone away
At the moment when it happens I could care less
And even right now, I honestly just say, I’ve survived this long without them, I don’t need them
And yet I know I’m wrong
But I can’t help it
Tomorrow is my friends birthday, and I’ll send him a message, although I’m not sure I’ll get a response back
What will I do If i don’t? I don’t know
I honestly don’t
Will I let it go? Will I insist?
He’s known me for almost half my life, and I admit that I DO need him
With him I’m able to talk about anything
I know you’re not supposed to have a personal relationship with a psychologist, but I honestly don’t see him as that
When I talk to him it’s just friend to friend
And this is a time where I need him, I really do just need a shoulder to cry on, but I’ve come to realize that I like suffering on my own, quietly
Sometimes I feel like I’m going to end up alone
I know I don’t deserve certain people, and I’ve tried pushing them away but it doesn’t work, which makes me feel worse because it’s just another confirmation of me not deserving to have them
For now it’s late and I have work in a few hours so I’ll let this go
I’ll sleep it off and just see how things are tomorrow
I don’t think they’ll be any better, as I like making things worse
THAT is my problem
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