Back together in Stories of my life... literally

So I eventually told Josh that Gabe and I had sex because I for some reason felt guilty and either way it was good that I told him because Josh and Gabe have mutual friends and at least 3 of them told Josh anyway. Me and Josh were getting back into our old habits so it was a little obvious that we were getting back together. Have started to notice that we didn’t talk much after so when he asked me if whatever we were was over i just didn’t even reply because in a way I didn’t want it to be but I knew I couldn’t say no. That was about two years ago. Since then, my relationship with Josh has been amazing. We had a small bump at first but worked past it and now or relationship is drama free and normal. Although I have been feeling like I want to end it because I am young and I don’t want to be tied down right now. I am not confident with myself and I feel like in order to love myself I can’t have a boyfriend. But I know Josh would be heartbroken and others say I should be single but others say if you have something so good why let go of it? And I have to say, when I’m with Josh I feel happy. But I do want to feel free. But I feel like if I end things with Josh, I will feel completely alone. 90% of my friends have gone away to college while I’m commuting and he other 10% i have just lost connection with. That’s another reason why i feel the way i feel. When I’m in this relationship, even though i don’t notice it, I tend to stop talking/hanging out with friends. But I’m scared of being alone. He is the only person i talk to daily, except for my friend Diane but she’s moving to another state soon. And another thought is what if i break up with Josh, he moves on and I don’t and (selfishly) I’ll want him back but can’t. So after months of thinking about it, I asked Josh about it a few nights ago. I asked him if he feels trapped because we are the only people we have been with and how do we know if we’re the ones for each other if we ultimately have nothing to compare to. We were stupid kids when we met we couldn’t possibly love each other. We never even got to build a friendship before being together. But at this point, he is a huge part of my life and I care for him so deeply. He agreed with all the things Im thinking and feeling but he doesn’t wanna break up. We’re taking a few days to think about it but I think he will say we should stay together which I do but don’t want. Also, in these two years, Gabe had a girlfriend and went to the marines. He ended up cheating on his girlfriend and was in deployed to Europe and came home for a week. After having sex and not speaking for two years, Gabe texted me on the same exact night me and Josh spoke about possibly breaking up. It was like de ja vu. But I told him i wasn’t single (he thought I was) but I weirdly feel something for him not love but lust because of our somewhat past. But he doesn’t treat girls right and he’s a whore. I just had to write this somewhere before going crazy. I kind of want Gabe to want me though cause it gives me a confidence. Ugh I’m fucked up.