October 1st; 9:26pm in Diary

I don’t really know if people will actually read this, I honestly don’t even know how this shit works/if you can comment on my entries but if you have advice or want to comment I don’t care. So since this is my first entry, I’ll give you guys a little background: I’m 17, I’m in high school and my boyfriend/friend (?) recently went to college. We had been dating over the summer, and he was fucking amazing we connected faster and deeper than I had really ever connected with anyone else, like best friends, we were so open and comfortable with each other and the sex was hella good too. He would tell me how much he loved me and I would tell him back, I went on vacation with his family and his family loved me. I know I know, 2 months isn’t that long to know someone but it feels like I’ve known him forever, I don’t know if any of you guys can relate but I don’t know, It felt amazing. Flash forward and we are chilling together and some girl follows me on Instagram and he goes, “Oh haha of course Veronica would follow you.” I was confused so I asked why and he says something along the lines of: “We were cuddling in my room watching Friends, you know as friends, and she tried to get with me and I turned her down and she got insulted.” So I was like okay, like I trust him. Later that night I saw he was snapchatting her. So I called him hour for it and we talked about, which ended in us almost breaking up because I was mad he lied to me about her, but he promised to block her so it was resolved. Flash forward, so like last week I was sitting in Stats class just about to leave when I received some dms on Instagram. This girl was Veronica’s friend who was letting me know “girl to girl” that my boyfriend was hooking up w and/or talking to this girl. She sent screenshots of her test messages with him and pictures they had taken together where he was like kissing her cheek and they were cuddling like shirtless together or whatever. So immediately I called him and long story short we broke up. He called me every night crying, and wrote me a letter telling me how he was just drunk and he regretted every minute of it, and how he was just horny and she was there, and how much he loved me, he even texted my parents apologizing and wanting their forgiveness. I began to forgive him for what he did but I knew I wouldn’t forget it, I mean I love him and he wouldn’t be fighting for me if he didn’t love me too. Im not naive. It’s college, but I figured we could take it slow and he could prove himself to me again, and I could build trust back up, we had breakup sex a couple times lol. Now this pastWednesday, I was jchillin in my bag, bc ofc it still hurts that he would do that to me, someone he loves, but I decided for some reason to reread the dms that girl sent me and ig i hadn’t noticed before but the text messages were from August 28th, WHICH I HAD THOUGHT HE HAD ONLY CHEATED ON ME ON THE 9TH OF SEPTEMBER. WHICH MENT HE HAD BEEN CHEATING ON ME FOR A LONG FUCKIN WHILE. and girl LET ME TELL U, i was SO FUCKING deep in my bag. MIND U i decided to read these dms while i was ON FACETIME WITH MY BOY. so i told him we should go on a break for a couple days so I can figure out my feeling and what I want. He cried and told me he loved me and a bunch of other stuff. So we didn’t talk for like 3 days, during which time he partied at college and I partied at home and whatever people do on Friday and Saturday nights. So he kinda texted me during that time telling me he missed me and he missed talking to me. but anyways I texted him Saturday morning telling him a lot of shit and kinda ranting at him abt how could he do that or whatever. Then i finished my rant by saying I want to start completely over but as friends and maybe see where shit goes from there. Now CURRENTLY at this VERY Second I’m on FaceTime with him and i decided to write this (he thinks I’m doing a lab writeup lmaoooo). The whole reason I wrote this was just to say this: He’s changed, and I’m just realizing that. He parties a lot, he dances with girls, he kind of ignores me while we are on FaceTime to talk to his roommate, he’s just… different. He still loves me but I don’t think I love him anymore. I look at him and I don’t know, something has shifted over the past 3 days. I don’t know. Im confused. More entries to come.