We’ve reconnected…
Business as usual…
Tasting a glimpse of what happy is again. It’s going to be work, but I want it to work, and i’m going to fight for it. I feel finally off the island, no longer swept to sea…for the most part. I have love back in my life, even if it needs rebuilding, but I’ve come to the realization that this whole thing, me being “swept in the undertow” to begin with was something worse than this isn’t working…
I’ve analyzed everything and had an idea that something may be wrong internally, I mean - obviously, but in more of a serious sense now. It all came to a head when I went and performed in front of some college kids. Got some good laughs, got some sighs at my more “risque” material…but I realized, watching them interact with each other…they had such a light, and will to be…
They were also theater/music theater students, so they really had some bravado to their being! (seriously heard kids landing some Klaus Nomi esque notes. THE PIPES!!!)
That light…I realized mine feels gone. I don’t want to sound melodramatic for the random passerbys out there who’ve been keeping up with this so far. To speak plainly: I lost my girlfriend due to my own anxieties and fears, and now I’ve sucked up my pride and have her back. But now i’m realizing that my anxieties and fears I had then, are still going to be around, and i’m trying to confront them and take care of it - but, I’m now at a stage where I fear I have some form of depression. All because I realized I don’t have a light to create and do as much as I used to. Things seem too hopeless at the drop of a hat to me anymore - it didn’t used to be this way. Some may chalk it up to being older, but I don’t feel normal about my state of being anymore…
I’m just happy I have friends and now my love back in my life…it’ll make the coming times easier, but it’s a shame there will still be immense difficulty. I know my friends and family would gladly beat the shit out of my sadnesses if they were manifested into a physical form…but all they can do is just listen, nod, and encourage me…which is easily deflected…
Being human is weird…that statement is weird…i don’t have an experience to even compare.
Then again, I may have just proved the initial statement with said word diarrhea.
Half smiled at my own non-sense. Feel a little flicker.
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