I sent the bottle. She received it.
We talked over messages, talked about how we missed it equally. Then I spilled it, told her how I regretted my actions, made a mistake. How she was my lighthouse always, and I was a fool for closing my eyes for a second.
She said she had to think about it, had mixed emotions. After what I did, of course.
She decided we could meet up. September 30th. More than two weeks. I’m happy that I even get a chance, but I worry - and two weeks is a long time to worry. Reminds me of bullies back in school saying they were gonna beat your ass after school, at 8am - what a way to ruin the day, as you think about that the entire time; similar effect.
Will she even find me attractive anymore when she sees me? Is she already seeing someone else, and this is just a long winded build up to her trying to kill me softly? I hate this, but i’m so excited and terrified at the same time. I feel the potential of my love of my life reentering my bounds…but this is truly a gauntlet mentally. It’s all i’m going to think about, counting down the days until. Over-thinking everything I say to her in messages, like it’s when we first started dating. Over-thinking everything she replies with. She didn’t reply to the last message I sent her yesterday at all…she didn’t initiate a conversation today…it kills me because I over analyze it all…
Maybe she knows that…and it’s her way to just get back at me for being an idiot…
Realistically, I can’t know that until the 30th, and I have to keep myself calm until then.
Part of me worries I could get in a car wreck, or something melodramatic like that, before I see her. God, I’m a mess. I feel sick and tired all the time, and it’s all because I felt like I had to push her away 4 months ago…
How could I be such an idiot. She’s my, story-book, picture-esque, one true love…and I was hers then…now…who knows what she’ll say. This may be a slow burn for a big let down…
Does she still love me? I…I hope…and that’s all I can do at this point.
Hope for love.
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