Is it just me or...? in Musings, rambling, circle jerks and other stories.

23:13. I can’t sleep. I lie and watch the wall as someone’s security light flicks on and off in the distance. I think about the diary I kept, and then didn’t. I think about “screaming at the sky till clouds gather” as it goes in some Eminem song, or would it be better called a track? I can’t remember which one. Some days it feels my brain has turned to mush and is seeping out. Most days it seems. Nothing pressing, just standing in door ways wondering what I came in for, looking at things and the annoying question of what was I just doing over and over. I wonder if the smart phones have rotted my brain. I wonder if it was always swiss cheese. I get stuck on stupid things and ruminate and google a thousand possibilities and actually do nothing. I’ll throw anything in the way of actual introspection. If I can wave enough things in front of myself, if I can have so many distractions, if I can just tick the boxes of “Done” maybe I won’t have to look inside myself and tumble inwards into the deep burning dissatisfaction. I AM the rabbit hole. No filthy pun intended at first, but still welcome because I will say anything for the shits and gigs and the closest we’ll get to comic relief.

I’m always aware that this is not how I intended my life to be at 28. I never had high hopes and yet I thought that somehow it would gel and by now I’d have a little more family and perhaps something resembling direction. I’m not sure I’ve moved past where I was at all 10 years ago. I could go and look, I have the diary, but I’m afraid. Yes we live in a perfectly nice flat, with a perfectly nice land lord, but it feels cramped and beyond out grown and I would love to have a garden or some space and I would love to have somewhere that I own. Mortgages are beyond expensive and because of previous financial things Corin basically doesn’t count. So I’m a team of one trying to build up a deposit knowing full well that it means next to nothing because the maximum they’d lend me is a joke, at least compared to house prices round here. And I just love hearing how house prices here are rising faster than the rest of the country, if my pay would like to catch up at a similar rate that would be great. So the question is do we pack in that idea and settle on renting forever always wondering if the place will get sold from underneath us, and when we’ll be moving again (and I properly hate moving) and spend more money and get something bigger or do I keep living in a tin can , putting away money because it’s the sensible thing to do?

I’m so bored of sensible. I have lived my life right, followed all the good morals, stayed out of debt and not quit jobs that we’re destroying my will to live and I don’t feel I’ve got an awful lot to show for it. I wonder if I’ve wasted all my best years on being sensible and would now look a tit if I went reckless.

I don’t mean to sound ungrateful, I just don’t think I’m asking for the moon on a stick for wanting somewhere bigger than a shoe box to live in and please could someone explain to me how I “can’t afford” the mortgage when I’m paying the same in rent and getting a whole lot less for it. I know the interest rates might go up, so could my rent, and I would still need somewhere to live.

I can’t shake this feeling. I find myself mentally trying on the options if I just changed X Z or Y in my life would I suddenly be happier, or is this just how people feel, endlessly lining up plans to stop yourself from thinking about anything too long because we’re all just basically fending off a secret silent scream? Is there just a piece of me that’s broken, is there a short circuit where the joy just never fully kicks in and the worry never fully clicks off? Do you fix it with deep chanting, stretching, vegetables, an endless supply of shoes, the right shade of lipstick, more Instagram followers or what? Is this just what existing is meant to be like, is life simply suffering and the drive to avoid the suffering. Any and all answers gratefully received. Other than just coming into a load of money. I realise it doesn’t fix everything but I’m sure it wouldn’t hurt at this point.

In the mean time I know there’s no point in comparing my life to how I believe it “should” be. But I can know things perfectly well and still not actually be able to put them into practice. Life is funny like that.

23:57.