1st entry in 1st Entry

entered this wrong initially
not sure how this goes, first entry so let’s do it.
names have been changed to protect the “innocent”.
My name is Rose. I am married in the process of filing for a divorce. I have 2 kids, 1 of each who shall be named Boy and Girl and husband shall be called Husband.
Husband and I have been married for 13 years, we have a 13 and 16 year old and live that life. When husband and I started dating he participated in the occasional joint every now and then and I was ok with it. As time grew on shit got real, stress kicked in and the occasional joint went to weekends being high. Weekends being high went to getting high right before bed daily, which turned into getting high daily, which turned into needing to be high to function.
Now I am not against smoking pot at all, it is what it is. The thing that got to me was I could only have a real conversation with him when he was high. And he would tell me this. When he wasn’t high he was mean spirited to me and scary strict with the kids. It got to the point where I didn’t want to talk to him and the kids were scared to ask him anything. He would yell at me and tell me that everything that went wrong was my fault and that no matter what I did to rectify the problem he would bring it back up.
3 years into marriage I quit my job and was a stay at home mom to take care of Boy with an acute disease, therefore I had no money coming in. Everything was then my responsibility. He worked. I did everything else. I was wife, mom, nurse, chauffer, caretaker, chef, maid, accountant…you name it, it was my responsibility. No where in there was I ME. No where in there did I take care of me. Everywhere in there I resented him for allowing me to do all of that and not letting me stand up for myself. And here we are umpteen years later after one failed separation getting divorced because sometimes there are just things that you can’t let go or get passed.
We separated for 2 whole months and part of another one. I went back. He was questioning me about a guy that I was talking ABOUT and put words into my mouth and instead of standing up for myself, I backed into a corner and let him say/think what he wanted. I went back. He was sad, his parents were disappointed and (I SWEAR THEY TOLD LIES ABOUT ME) my kids were sad. I figured with all these people sad if I went back it would MAGICALLY fix it all. It did…to a point.
He was happy, his parents were civil towards me and my kids were happy. But me…I was not. All I could do was think of all the times where he didn’t make enough money to cover the light bill payment I made and wonder how in the hell I was going to keep the utilities on for my kids. Or the time when the gas was cut off and I had to think of a meal I could make in the microwave (thankfully the apartment complex paid for the hot water heater in the showers). Or the time when he spent all of the money I had allowed for groceries for a few days on pot and I had to go to my mom’s house and steal meat so I could feed my kids. Or ask my mom for money and tell her that he was short on his check because I was way to embarrassed to tell her he smoked all the grocery money.
I was scared to talk to him. I was scared to ask for help. I was scared that he would just yell at me and treat my like his child, the way he had done for at least the past 5 years. But he was happy…so it seemed.
Turns out, HE was harboring feelings and thoughts that he couldn’t get rid of and couldn’t let go too. All we did was play pretend and make believe. Pretend that nothing from the past that was eating us up and killing us inside and make believe we were happy.
That’s it for now - mentally drained…