I have always been a bigger girl, my whole life i’ve never been the thin one. I’ve never considered myself fat, or really even that over weight but i’ve always been bigger. My closest friend growing up were 5‘0 and probably 90-100lbs, I was 5‘6 and around 160lbs. I was pretty confident and I loved myself for the most part. I knew I was bigger, could of lost a couple pounds but nothing major, toned legs, big butt, big boobs etc. I’ve always been proportioned and so my weight was never really an issue.
until now.
I had “Irish Twins” which means I had a baby and then 6 weeks later got pregnant… my kids are the same age for 7 weeks a year. I was basically pregnant for 2 years, not only that - when I was pregnant with my first, I got married and during my pregnancy with my second I left. I married a closet drug addict, who became abusive.
Last year I had lost some weight and was around the 190 mark. I was pretty confident with that.
This weekend I decided to go sky diving. For the first time in my life I was told I was too fat to do something. I’ve gained 30 pounds and HAD NO IDEA! in fact the week coming up to sky diving I thought I had lost a little weight and was feeling pretty confident. well that feeling is gone.
Today I sit at 220lbs, I feel like a disgusting blob.
I’ve downloaded the secret fat app that tracks all your food, and i’ve created this journal to help me blog about my weight struggles.
Im ready for the change.
Being told you are too fat to do something is mortifying. It’s heart breaking, I cried, and was in shock at the number on the scale. I think that was the worst part, because all of my confidence, all of my self esteem went out the window.
on a side note, i called another skydiving company whose weight limit was higher and I was able to drive there and jump out of that plane. What sucked was the drive there, feeling humiliated and trying to make a plan for how I was going to change in that car ride.
When I jumped out of the plane, I felt like I was going to leap out of this plane and unknown fat girl, but when I landed the fat girl was going to be left up there, and this new girl was going to change.
I really wish I had known about my weight before I jumped because it kind of wrecked my experience. Though I highly recommend jumping.
Does anyone else feel like this?
Does anyone else struggle with their weight?
Today i’ve had -
grapes (1/4 cup)
2 hard boiled eggs
lunch - rice and beef (2 tablespoons of beef, and 1/2 rice)
supper - a salad of some sort
(I haven’t had supper yet)
I am cutting bread out, I am cutting alcohol out, I am cutting pop out.
I’m not going to lie, I really want a bag of chips right now, but I can’t bare the thought.
Every time I crave some crap I think of Christian Applegae when she played Rachels sister on Friends, Joey goes to eat something and she says “are you sure you want to eat that? a moment on the lips and forever on your hips”
I keep repeating that. “A moment on the lips, forever on your hips”
How could i gain that much weight and not even notice? 30lbs! I ate a small child in a year! and had no clue!
i’m embarrassed.
Now that I know, I don’t even want to go to work, or hang out with my friends, i’ve become so ashamed of my appearance. I will not shelter myself. I won’t do it. I won’t let this weight depress me. I left the fat girl on that plane, and the new healthy me is here, she’s just not in the right body yet, but it will come in time.
My weight doesn’t’ define me, I’m just in a hard place right now but I know I can get through this.
I should also add that for the first time in months, I woke up at 6:30am and went on my treadmill for 30 mins. I hear working out in the morning is good because it burns stored fat.
Tomorrow is going to be arms, and cardio.
Wednesday legs and cardio.
Thursday just cardio.
Friday arms and cardio.
I can do this! I can do this!
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