A NARCOLEPTIC HOBBIT
My Hobbit is defective.
The day before New Year’s Eve the cafeteria switched our meal from a nice bowl of Chili to Chili Mac. To most of you this probably seems like a minor change, but you have to realize they prepare our meals about 6 hours in advance and then leave it in a warming box. Trust me, noodles do not hold up well under these conditions, especially mixed with Chili. The results are a reddish paste the consistency of wet clay. So we all ate a few bites then went back to the unit in search of more palatable food.
My friend Jay decided we needed to make a Doo-Wop, so we went around gathering the necessary ingredients from our friends. Cookies, pudding, candy bars all mushed down into dough and wrapped around a Honey Bun. Definitely not healthy, but it is filling and extremely tasty. Once it was made we all gathered in my cube to eat. There were four of us, Bubbles, Jay, John and myself. We were all finished and just talking when it happened.
I was the first to notice and once I’d recovered from my shock, quickly brought it to Jay’s attention.
“Tell me you’re seeing what I’m seeing,” I said and nudged him.
“Holy Crap!” he loudly exclaimed, drawing John’s attention.
“So the rumors were true!” John said calmly and pokes Bubbles in the arm quite hard.
In response, Bubbles let out a loud and echoing snore, but otherwise doesn’t move, which in retrospect was a good thing since he’d fallen asleep while standing up! While we were chatting he’d hooked his arm through the bunk bed ladder which now held up his otherwise limp body.
Turns out, Bubbles is a narcoleptic and since his Step-Dad died suddenly a couple months ago, he is on pretty strong anti-anxiety meds that make him sleepy. The combination has led to him dozing off in some rather strange positions and bad situations. (Of course no one told me!) When this happens, as we found out, he is nearly impossible to wake up for about 10 or 15 minutes. For the first five of those we just sort of gawked and made sure he didn’t fall down – the next ten we spent amusing ourselves with our life-size Hobbit doll: wrapping him in toilet paper, switching his watch from his left to his right wrist, decorating his beard with whatever stuck in it, and other things of that nature.
At about the 15 minute mark we realized that my cellmate would be coming back from work soon and that we needed to get the Hobbit detached from my cellies ladder.
“We could carry him back to his bunk,” I suggested.
Jay just looked at me like I’d sprouted antennas, “Yeah, that will look good on the security cameras. They’d lock us down and start searching for a dead body.”
“Ok, didn’t think of that,” I admit. “But we can’t just leave him here either, I don’t want to have to explain to the CO why I have a vertically sleeping Hobbit in my cube.”
“Try calling his name,” John suggested.
We looked at the mummified and decorated Hobbit, then back at John. “I don’t think something conventional will work at this point.” I observed.
“Yeah, you’re probably right,” John admitted.
“Although,” I say as a thought strikes me. “Someone run and get his alarm clock. There’s a chance his subconscious knows to recognize that sound and to wake him up enough to stop it.
“Worth a try,” John said and goes and gets it.
In the meantime, Jay has taken off his ever present headphones and clamps them over Bubbles’ ears.
“I’m going to try some Five Finger Death Punch first.” He said and begins blasting angry music into Bubbles ears, but again there is no effect. “Holy Shit!” Jay said as he takes the still shrieking headphones from Bubble’s head and secures them around his own neck. “That’s just crazy!”
John returns with the alarm clock. “Got it, but I was thinking, shouldn’t we clean him up first?”
We look at one another and sigh.
“Fine, get me the scissors,” Jay said reluctantly.
So while they go about de-trimming the Hobbit, I reset the alarm. After about a minute it starts to go off and I hold it up to Bubbles’ ear. Again he doesn’t stir.
“It’s not going to work either,” Jay tells me.
“Just give it a sec,” I said waving him off. The alarm’s tone switches from a passive Beep-Beep-Beep to a more frantic Beepada Beepada Beepada. And, thankfully, Bubble’s eyes begin to flutter.
“Dan,” I said, “Come on buddy, time to wake up.” Beepada Beepada Beepada.
He lets out a loud snort and his eyes fly open. He looks around in confusion, wobbles a little, then says, “What the heck was that?”
“You fell asleep standing up, Bubbles,” John said.
He looks at me with sleepy eyes for confirmation and I nod. “Out like a light.”
“Crap,” Bubbles says. “How long was I out?” He asks looking down at his now naked wrist. “Umm…where’s my watch?”
Unable to stop ourselves we all start laughing.
“What?” Bubbles asks, “What did I say?”
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