Explanation in 2014

I caught up with an Dean, old friend & ex boyfriend for a few drinks on Friday.

We dated casually back in 2007/2008. We got along great and use to go for motorbike rides together. It was actually him and a few friends I was riding with when I had my big accident in 07 which wrote off my bike and had me air lifted to hospital. I stopped riding after that accident because I didn’t want to leave my daughter an orphan. Especially since we’d just lost her Dad a few years earlier.

Dean & I were quite casual and were both seeing other people. After a while this situation all got too complicated so I broke up with Dean and we remained good friends instead. He then met Susan and they got married in 2010. They’ve got two sons together aged 7 & 5 I think. Both his boys play Rugby so whenever Dean messages me I always ask how their Rugby is coming along and he gives me enthusiastic, proud Dad updates. It’s cute.

Dean & I catch up occasionally. When we’re both working in the city we’ll catch up for a coffee. He messaged me earlier this month wanting to catch up but I postponed because of Chris’s death and funeral. That took most of my energy for most of the month of June. Dean kept sending me messages so I thought it must be urgent, whatever he wants to catch up about.

So we met at a bar and we had a quick catch up on how work, family and relationships were. Then we moved to another bar next door, which has these lovely leather couches & the waitresses serve you. You don’t have to go up to the bar, order, wait and bring back your own drinks. It was there that Dean really opened up about things.

Apparently he’s been suffering a long list of complaints for some time now and it turned out that they were all caused by clinical depression. He’s now taking Lexapro and it has been like a magic pill. ALL his ailments have gone and he feels euphoric about his life again.

Which sounds great right? Keep reading.

So a few years ago he started his own business to begin contracting. Which has been stressful because it’s been crazy successful. So for 3/4 years now he’s been working 15 hr days 7 days a week. Which has led to marital problems.

In their marriage they split the financial responsibility 50/50 and the child raising 50/50. Because Dean was devoting so much time to his start up his wife was upset at having to take over his share of the parenting. So Dean was forced to cut back on his hours and went to part time hours like his wife. His business then started to suffer. Then he suggested to his wife that she work more hours to match his financial contribution. So she did but then resented him for it. About 6 months ago their relationship was so toxic that they made the mutual decision to separate. However after a long discussion about how they’d make it work his wife then changed her mind and said she wanted to make the relationship work, for the sake of the children, by any means necessary. Dean agreed in principal but was hesitant because he was unsatisfied with their sex life and she suggested an open marriage.

So they’ve been trying an open marriage for the past 3 months. They have a google calendar where they log their parental and work commitments to ensure it’s an even 50/50 split. Dean says he records things like “Meeting about ballet” into the calendar for when he’s on dates with other women. So far his wife hasn’t said anything about it. Apparently there was a drunken dinner party at their house with a few friends that turned into a bit of a “keys in the bowl” situation too…

It all sounds like a giant shit show to me.

He might be happy now but his happiness is built on a bubble that is going to eventually burst. The good news is he’s so drugged that he probably won’t care too much. Neither one of them are truly happy. They’re trying to make the best of a shitty situation and doing a terrible job of it.

What makes me sad is the loss of his potential. I knew Dean when he was 27 with the world at his feet. To see him at 38, broken, medicated and in an unhappy marriage. It’s heart breaking. He should be taking the world by storm. He’s this outgoing, confident man with so much potential. That’s what attracted me to him in the first place. His unwavering confidence is addictive.

And I remember all too well how it felt being stuck in an unhappy relationship and on medication. You feel like your soul is so fractured and broken that you just don’t want to feel any more and that is what those pills do to you. That’s what my last entry was about. I so glad to no longer be in that dark space. It sucks seeing my friend there tho :(

I’ve suggested we catch up once a month for a drink & a chat. Hopefully reaching out and checking in on him on a regular basis will be helpful. Not sure what else I can do to help him though. This is one journey he needs to go on by himself.