Things are always worse at night. If I wake up or I don’t fall asleep until late, the entire world just sinks. Everything seems harder and any good things seem unlikely. But it’s important that I keep going.
It’s when things feel desperate that I think about self-harm and killing myself.
The truth is, things are no different from they were months ago. My life is the same train wreck it was. It was just that I had some kind of distraction. But now, there’s nothing to bring me much joy.
And apart from a small number of people, I am disappointed in everyone.
I am not having a good relationship with food and it is quite deliberate.
But I am starting to come round to exercise, slowly. And maybe it needs to be slow.
Despite medication, this time is awful for me. It’s strange how the loss of one person can kill most of you.
I ate a meal yesterday evening and felt sick afterward and very uncomfortable. I felt guilty for eating. My mind goes to this place where hungry would be better and I can’t really explain this except I want loss or something to be visible. I’m not an extrovert. But it’s as if it’s a way for there to be a tangible explanation of something in one way. But in other ways, I’m very conscious that I’m also looking for something here; attention or something. But I want to be left alone also.
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