Cristina's speech to Owen about Burke in Daily Ranting

I’m back again. I was watching an episode of Grey’s Anatomy on a friends Netflix and just played the episode that was next. It was (I think) Season 6, episode 13. And I was just caught off guard by the situation. Although I’ve watched the series multiple times, the speech Cristina gave to Owen on that episode talking about Burke always hits me in my dark spots. But I can relate so much to it. Here’s the quote:

“Burke was… he took something from me. He took little pieces of me. Little pieces over time. So small I didn’t even notice, ya know? He wanted me to be something I wasn’t. And I made myself into what he wanted. One day I was me, Cristina Yang. And then suddenly I was lying for him, and jeopardizing my career, and agreeing to be married and wearing a ring, and being a bride. Until I was standing there in a wedding dress with no eyebrows, and I wasn’t Cristina Yang anymore. And even then I would have married him. I would have. I lost myself for a long time. And now that I’m finally me again. I can’t. I love you. I love you more than I loved Burke. I love you. And that scares the crap out of me because when you asked me to ignore Teddy’s page, you took a piece of me, and I let you. And that will never happen again.”

That was me. Except that I’m not a kickass cardio-surgeon and I literally have no one loving on me. I used to think that I did. But I didn’t. And that made me do things I would do for no one else. And I admit that. In my years of being with this particular person, I yelled at my mom, I stole from her to get money, I even sold drugs for a short time because I thought that if you love someone, you’d do everything that they want you to so that they’ll love you back. I’m not going to say that I turned to religion after realizing who I was turning into because that just giving them credit for something they didn’t do. I just realized that I was working too much into a relationship that was taking me nowhere and I got tired. I was tired of always wearing long sleeves to cover scars and bruises, I was tired of sneaking around the police, I was tired of putting on extra concealer so that my black eye and slightly crooked nose wasn’t too obvious, I was tired of going to the pharmacy with ripped clothes and smeared mascara to buy emergency contraceptive pills. I was tired of fighting for love that wasn’t there. I was tired. I was so damn tired. Leaving that relationship was the best thing I could have ever done. Buying the car of my dreams, or buying my dream house would never top my success of leaving. Looking back I’m amazed that it took me this long to put everything to a stop. I haven’t thought about this in such a long time. Maybe I should have kept it that way. Maybe writing this out and shoving it into the world is what I need to have one less negative experience on my shoulders. I will always appreciate what it’s taught me, but I will always appreciate what it’s made me realize so much more.

I can’t believe it. Two posts in one day. inserts thinking emoji
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