4 Years Ago Today in One Day At a Time

4 Years ago today we completed our family. Lincoln Riddick was born. So bittersweet now. Can you imagine if we knew what would happen? That you’d be gone less than 4 years later? It seemed so unbelievable then. I mean, sure…you still had your struggles then. I remember you worked the night before my scheduled c-section and didn’t get home until about 1 or 2 in the morning. We had to leave by 4am to get to the hospital for pre-op. I would beg you, ” Please try to relax and sleep some. PLEASE don’t nod out when we are having our son!”
We got to the hospital a few minutes late but I was completely calm. You know me, normally I’d be a basket case. Not because of the birth, but because what would they think of us if we were, heaven forbid, a few minutes late! We checked in and I told you to relax then so you’d be completely with it during the birth. My dad, Kristen, and Kennedy showed up quickly afterwards. My mom and sister were running behind. They got there moments before I walked out of the room, towards the operating room. I remember the feeling of such finality. This was the last baby. Dr. Parker, who delivered all of our babies( luckily ) asked if I was sure I wanted to tie my tubes. I never felt so sure. I remember being back and forth about that during the pregnancy. My mom was kind of pressuring me to do it. Not in any overbearing way but more of a, ” Nina…look around you…take in what you have on your plate now…are you SURE you want any more?” I wasn’t sure. Until about 7 months into my pregnancy and it just came over me. I was nervous I’d regret it but was still confident to answer yes at the time.
I had to go into the operating room the same way I did with the other babies, alone. They kept you outside while they prepped me in there and gave me the spinal block. This time, unbeknownst to you, they started without you and it wasn’t until I asked for you the DR. realized they didn’t bring you back and demanded they do. You came in full of life and sat down next to my head. I can see that smile in my head now. You held a camera in one hand, video camera in the other, and my cell phone to record his first cry in your lap. You were always SO supportive in there. Holding my hand,touching my head, smiling at me. This time around, I asked if I could watch the surgery. You were dead set against it beforehand but ended up looking. We saw his perfect little face come out and it was AMAZING. Cord wrapped around his head and arm but once he was freed he was a fighter. A loud big boy came roaring into our lives. 8lbs 9oz and 21 inches long. You immediately leapt up and met him where the nurses were wiping him down and checking him out. I can hear your voice right now talking to him, ” Hey man ” as you’d gently touch his little hands, as if you’d break him already. God, the smile on your face every time one of your children were born could take my breath away. One of the very best sights I’ve ever seen. My favorite memories of you by far. You came back over and would check on me. You’d tell me about him. ” Man baby, he’s got big balls” Ahhh that was nice to hear but you were just proud.
Moments later they told me our pediatrician was actually outside the OR asking to see if he could check him out since he happened to be there. I agreed and you took him out, swaddled in a blanket. You always got to hold our babies before I did but I didn’t mind, I had been carrying them inside me for 40 weeks.
After they were done stitching me up and taking my tubes ( tubes I got to see BTW ) they wheeled my bed into the recovery room where you were rocking him. I can see you now- sitting there, holding him swaddled up, so naturally. SO unlike how comfortable you looked when Raven was born. Practice makes perfect I suppose. You handed him to me. Kissed me and told me you were going outside to smoke and send my family in.
When you walked out into the waiting room you walked right up to my mom. Mom asked how big he was and you told her you couldn’t tell her ( knowing I wanted to) but ” bigger than we expected!” They all hurried in to see me while you hurried out.
You were gone for hours. You came back with flowers and to tell me you were going to look at a car with your mom ( you had just totaled the truck a week before ) and would come back later with all the kids. I was upset you didn’t stay with me but I knew better than to dwell on it. My mom and sister stayed with me and I had family visit throughout the day to keep me company.
Later that day you came back with the kids. We introduced them and you tended to Logan’s feelings about it so well. He was interested but more interesting in being with you.
We had already set up for my sister to spend the night with me that night because you didn’t like hospitals. The previous births, this part was not fun for me because you disappeared or slept through me asking for help ( since I couldn’t walk for the first day ) . I was bummed in a way because I felt like I was missing the experience, missing that bonding time with your husband after having a baby. Bonding with the baby together. But, I knew you and I knew it just wasn’t realistic for me and our marriage.
I don’t mean that in a negative way. You knew what would make me happy and what you were comfortable with. You cleaned the house top to bottom over those few days before I came home so I’d be completely comfortable when I got home. You’d stop anything to get me whatever I needed or would hold the baby at the drop of a dime if I asked you to. That was such an amazing thing about you Levi. You’d cater to me when it came to little things like that. The ” can you get me a drink, can you shut the door, can I have a nap” things.
I still can’t wrap my mind around that less than 4 years later you’d be gone.
God, had we known would we have done things differently?
Would you?
Bittersweet days are only beginning. I can’t decide if I’m ready for this to be numb already or if I fear the day it will.