i got the word that OD is shutting down. it makes sense, but its sad. i haven't written much in it the last 6 months or so anyways. part of it because the site was never working when i went to it. but the other part was that i didn't have much to say aside from constant whining and bitching.
i won't lie, i've been in a pretty negative place lately. stemming from a stupid break-up. with a stupid boy who i knew was not even close to what i was looking for. he wasn't a bad guy. treated me well. but emotionally speaking, we weren't compatible. and i knew it all along, i just didn't want to be alone. but alone i am.
some days i don't really mind it. some days it literally feels like its killing me. i try not to talk about it that much in a serious way. some people will make jokes or even sometimes i make jokes about it too. but if the conversation of my lack of a relationship ever turns serious, i always get the same response. "oh you'll meet someone. don't worry. it'll happen when you aren't looking for it". and... i suppose there is some amount of truth to that? i guess i can't really say for certain.
it just freaks me out. like, yeah, i suppose one day i'll meet some guy that will totally change my life. but... lets be honest, that might not happen. going through every single step of the rest of my life essentially by myself just seems... boring. and kind of terrible.
i'm struggling pretty seriously with trying to develop or maintain friendships with people. lately my group of friends have been really disappointing for various reasons. i look at the people i know who are originally from around here and my jealousy goes through the roof. that they have been able to maintain friendships with people that they have known since they were kids. so even now in their 20s and 30s these people are still there. these people still give a shit. they make plans with each other. help each other out in a pinch. celebrate together. mourn together. they are true support systems to each other. and while i have had brief experiences like that, most of the people i know now are mere acquaintances. but do i even want to try to rekindle a friendship with them? i don't know.
in my head, i have this great plan. of moving to a metropolitan area. where the chances of meeting someone like-minded are greatly increased. and i'll meet awesome people through work or something and then BAM! i actually have a group of real, true friends. and then my life does a complete 180 and i have plans and events and dates! i go on adventures and have fun. basically its like a movie. aaaand.... it isn't real life.
i am trying to be more positive about myself and about possible outcomes. i know that brooding in my negativity will only make matters worse. it is a lot harder than some people make it out to be. like i can just flip a switch and BOOM! its sunshine and rainbows all over the place. but i see people who are positive, even when bad things happen.. and things .. just ... turn around for them. now i know there are a lot of variables that go into outcomes of situations and events. some of it is out of my control. but at least working on being more positive, or less negative, is worth a chance.
i do hope that i will utilize writing here more than i did in OD for last while. perhaps not writing is what kept me so negative. i didn't have a place to let it out. but i thought that writing about feelings i'm trying to forget would send me down the sad spiral again and i wanted to avoid that.
here's to not writing a book!
Loading comments...