Forgotten in One Day At a Time

Has it happened already? Have parts of you been forgotten?
This morning Lincoln told me he was sad about you. I hugged him as he said it walking into the older kid’s summer camp. When we got back to the car, he asked me,” Why did my daddy die?” I didn’t have an answer. ” I don’t know baby,” I said. He’s the first one to ask me to be honest. It’s like the other two were scared to ask. They asked what happened, where was he…but not point blank- WHY.
He then said, ” My daddy’s name was Mikey!” I was surprised and thrown off. We don’t even know anyone with that name. ” No, your daddy’s name is Levi.”
Could he have forgotten that quickly? The thought terrifies me. He knows your name. He used to call you that for fun because he knew you’d correct him, just like he sometimes calls me Nina.
I don’t want him to come up with fake memories of you, like fake names, just to keep you relevant. Just to keep your memory alive. I thought I was doing a good job of talking about you, throwing out little memories here and there, and encouraging them to talk about you to me as much as they wanted. At almost 4 years old, he’s the one who is going to suffer with the least amount of you. You’ve been away from him since he was 8 months old. He remembers your visits. He does give me beautiful memories- things I can’t even believe he remembers doing with you. Maybe I need to start writing them down to play it back to him so it stays fresh.
I wish this was a dream. I really do. How can something I prepared for so much- still not feel real?
I can still hear your voice so clear in my mind. I’m terrified for the day I lose that. And the last thing I want to think about is that the kids already have.