Brain Puke 06.20 in Daily Ranting

I haven’t been here in a few days. Honestly, I wasn’t sure I was going to ever write again. I came here after someone close to me found my physical notebook and discovered I’m more bothered than they thought and cut ties. I felt like I was disrespected. Sure.. it might have been tempting to open the book and start reading, but he could have easily put it down and returned it to me. It’s weird because I’d never thought that I would be friends with an uncle. Yeah, I wouldn’t mind hanging out and telling him about my day, but I was comfortable with telling him some of my secrets and asking for an opinion or some advice. Now, I have no one. He knows my deep dark secrets. He began judging me for things out of my control, and for things I didn’t know how to control. Family gatherings are awkward enough–now they’ll be unbearable. I don’t know what to do.

I am sort of wondering if i should type up the entries here and burn the physical notebook. There are a few entries in there that I would like to keep, but I’m on the fence of having them here. But this is anonymous. The only way someone would know who I am is if he happens to find this or if he already told other people in my family. I hope he didn’t, but the energies of the world seem to just want me to suffer so he probably did. I don’t know.

Since my last entry not much has happened. I discovered where my moms (soon to be) ex-husband is now living. We don’t live in an incredibly poor neighborhood, but it’s not the fanciest neighborhood. He now has a two story, SIX BEDROOM, FOUR BATHROOM HOUSE. Which by the way has an enormous pool and a four car garage. I looked online and the house is in his name so I’m guessing he already paid it off. After he left us, we found out that he has paid almost nothing on our current house and because I don’t have the best job and my mom is disabled, we might lose the house. But. The one good thing that happened is that I made hummus for the first time and it turned out fantastic. That’s sad. It’s disappointing that in this part of my life, the one happy thing that can happen to me is making a good batch of hummus.

I’ve also been thinking a lot about my fur kids lately. But I don’t want to get too much into that now. The only thing that I do want to include in this entry is that maybe I’ll feel (even if it is a tiny bit) better if I have some sort of “funeral” thing. Just so that I have something dedicated to them here at the house. I don’t know for sure that they’re dead. But again, the energies of the world love to see me suffer so I think doing that will relieve a bit of the heartbreak that I have. The one thing that is stopping me is the hope that I’ll see them once again. I don’t know what to do. I wish making a decision was easy.

But I hope everyone is doing better than me right now. I’ll try to decide on what to do about my physical notebook and hopefully come back soon. But for now,

Good night,
-x