Authorcode C105016 in Generalities

So, here I am. Trading in C105016 for Box 147.

I was originally A297223 - remember the days when upgrading to plus meant a new diary and an import and three months of waiting?? That was 2003...

Apologies if you're reading this twice. I wrote this for OD, but updated it for here.

Today is the third day since the announcement. I saw the news on facebook first, even though I keep OD open in the background on another tab - I thought that was...fitting? Interesting? I guess it doesn't matter.

As soon as I arrived home that night, I logged into OD and downloaded. I'm glad I was able to get in and do it that night, as I would've been put into a panic yesterday when I kept receiving the site error. I kept thinking, "Well, that was fast." I was surprised to see I hadn't downloaded since late 2012. Not that there was much to add to the trusty "Mel's OD" notepad file that's been kept since the age of 3 1/2 inch floppy disks. I regret being absent - I hadn't updated over there in just over a year.

I spent most of that night trying to pinpoint exactly what I was feeling about it. I thought I would be more distraught than I was about the upcoming End of OD. I was clicking through old notes, trying to see if there was an email address from a close fave to share the news, when one of the notes hit me just right. I found the feeling: It feels like William and/or Leann.

Words have been hard for me lately - things have really been a struggle this past year. Instead of writing in OD to sort things out and force some sort of clarity, I've just internalized it all and it just became a habit. Easier than dealing things, too. I think. :/ This paragraph is changing the course of where I want to go with this.

Eating your feelings is good for you - says so right on the box!

What I meant to say, is that it occurred to me that I was feeling the same way I did the day I received the news Leann died, and again when I received the news about William. I hope that doesn't sound like I'm trivializing their passings, or that I'm giving more weight to a website than two human lives, but like my two step-parents, OD was a significant part of my life. Hugely significant. They opened my eyes to things - good and bad - and helped me grow up. All the good, all the bad...I won't forget it or its impact on me. Even if we were no longer close at the end. There are *years * of my life that will always be associated with them, even if the relationship was no longer close.

We knew the prognosis was not good for Leann and William. I wasn't part of their sickness, other than the occasional visit and "how are you holding up?", but each time they were hospitalized, we wondered if this was it. Each time, we hoped against hope that the day wouldn't come where we'd get the call - that there'd be some miraculous breakthrough that would change everything and they'd be here always. But I knew that wouldn't happen. I knew the day would come when all of it would be done and we'd just have to let go.

But the call came. And, for me, both came after they had already gone.

The prognosis has been iffy for OD for a while now. Every time the site went down, we held our breath. We hoped our downloads were up-to-date and our faves where in our facebook lists. We'd hope that this was the time the DM would finally hand over the reigns to someone willing to keep it going and OD would be here always.

But the call has come. And now, I'm here. I've been there since December 17th, 2000. Back then, I was senior in high school who'd been living with her boyfriend for nearly a year - struggling to figure out "what next" while dealing with all of the issues that come with my families. It makes me wonder how I will sum up my existence when looking back on this entry in fourteen years.

Onward.

-Mel