Cancer in 2017

I knew the last time I saw him that he was sick. I hear all the stories and I just wait for the call....

today I got that call. My mom never calls me unless its to fix something on her phone/computer OR someone is sick or dying.

Today I answered with whats wrong??? I knew.

My step dad who came into my life when I was 11 and I was the WORST kid to him. I told him regularly that I hated him. I didnt want to live there. He was replacable just wait til mom found someone better. That he WASNT my Dad. If it was horrible I said it to him, about him.

He is dying…stomach cancer. When he lays down he has to put a towel under his face because stuff leaks out of his nose. When I saw him last week he stumbled 3 or 4 times just standing up talking to me, I knew. He is not healthy enough to survive 6 months of chemo, he just isnt. This is a death sentence.

When my Dad has his heart attack I RAN to my step dad and apologized for all the horrible things I said and did as a kid. But it just never feels like enough. This man gave me my first real xmas with real gifts that I wanted not just what my mom could scrounge together on the pennies we had left over after bills. He bought me my first tv, my first VCR, my first piece of jewelry.

He missed every school program every after school activity because he was busy WORKING to give us those florida vacations, those trips to 6 flags, all those extras that we wanted. I love my dad but he NEVER did for me what my step dad did. Even when I wasnt looking.

He was so proud of me when I graduated, I am the ONLY sibling to walk across the stage to earn a high school diploma. He found me in the church when I got married at 18 to remind me i didnt HAVE to get married. HE told me I was beautiful and cried…my dad walked me down the isle and didnt. Those were the little things I didnt notice til I was grown.

I just hope he knows I love him even if I dont get to see him as much as I should.