I was told long ago that I “allude a lot.” I wonder if this makes me harder to connect with, on various levels. I know that not everyone has the same memories as me–kind of–and I personally don’t prefer in-crowd or cliquey communication. Then again, I’m not that big on communication as a rule.
I started writing here again because I am trying to work through some issues that I think may be retarding my spiritual growth. Specifically, I seem to have on the one hand an apparent knack for insight and on the other hand little expertise in understanding other people. Make me wanna holler, throw up both my hands. (I did it again. That’s a Marvin Gaye quote from his song “Inner City Blues (Make Me Wanna Holler.)” I wonder if this is how Kurt felt.)
I seem to detect an innate sense of superiority in myself which may actually be entirely unfounded. Conversely, there may be an element of truth to it. The only way I know of to use this as an asset is to focus on edifying others when I communicate. Edification, as I understand the word, means acting for the benefit of, altruistically. Altruism means acting based on unselfish motives. I’m not sure true altruism is a component of my machinery. A codicil to that is that just desiring to be altruistic may be altruistic. Then again, maybe not.
My thoughts kind of bore me, for the most part. There’s a lot of mundanity circulating, but the alternative–novelty–isn’t necessarily healthier, and sometimes scares me. “Peace is the handmaiden of inner freedom.” Having peace, how does one go about turning that freedom inside out while still maintaining it within? And should one even try?
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