Loving the Day, Forgiveness, Tough Love, and so on. in A New Beginning

I am soooooooo thankful to finally have this three-day weekend! OBLIGATION-FREE, at that!! Or I could say, obligated to no one but ourselves! Because I think everyone is obligated to his-own-self, to create the kind of life he wants and make or find happiness. I’ve known too many people who have never learned that it’s their own responsibility, to make themselves happy! They keep on expecting someone else or someTHING to do it! Maybe if we’re lucky we get a few people in our lives who not only CARE about our happiness but also actually know us well enough to be somewhat good at doing it. But for the most part, we find out that even the people who really love us aren’t mindreaders and therefore just don’t get it RIGHT much of the time. Or, God forbid, we get people who, although they do love us, also dare to love THEMSELVES or at least think from their own viewpoint or set of needs most of the time, and fail to provide us with a perfect life for that reason!

I wasn’t born knowing how to be happy either, by any means. No one is. My parents and family were pretty good but of course not perfect. I married Joe, who most definitely loves me but has always had a great sense of SELF, and that hasn’t always included “self-sacrifice.” When we got married, at ages 22 and 23, he already knew how to make himself happy, and so he naturally thought I knew how to make myself happy to. When we start out, I think we generally assume that everyone thinks, feels, and perceives things the same way we do. But I didn’t know! I expected that happiness was going to come from HIM. from us being together and doing things together. He did things with me, but he already had other things that he had always done....every sport there is, pretty much!....that he thoroughly expected to keep right on doing. And sometimes I could go along to games and watch him play, and go out with him and the team after the game. But there were all these practices and stuff. People....guys....who play team sports often tend to LIVE them....and I wasn’t gonna tag along to all of that! Sometimes they were held right after his work, near his workplace; he wasn’t gonna drive home to get me and be late! So this left me very upset. When we first got married, he was in the Air Force, stationed in California. I had just graduated from college in Maryland; he flew back east to marry me and then I went to California with him. I didn’t have a job. I didn’t know a soul! I was extremely shy. What the hell was I supposed to do if he was going to be at work all day and then off to some sports-thing every evening to boot?! He figured I would know. Doesn’t EVERYONE have things that they DO??

He’d suggest things, but I was very shy and I just couldn’t see myself doing those things.

I finally made a few friends.

I finally had the wherewithal to take up a hobby or two.

Then we had a kid! And four years later, another one!

With every year and every new thing that came along, I slooooowly grew from painfully shy to quite outgoing, and as this growth process took place I found things that made me happy THAT I COULD GIVE MYSELF.

Our marriage became happier as I bitched at him for doing so many things LESS and enjoyed my own time MORE. Then when we were together, we had fun, which was a whole lot better than arguing all day because I was discontent with life and blamed him.

I learned a lot from my Dad and my Brother about how to make my-own-self happy. My Dad loved my Mom. (They fought somethin’ terrible, but he loved her.) She died of cancer, and he was a widower for the rest of his life, which was sixteen years. He loved me and Joe and our kids, but for most of those years we lived far, far away from him. But he wasn’t unhappy. I loved talking with him every week on the phone because he always had so much to tell me! He raised a garden every year; he cooked and baked and canned; he went for long bike rides and long walks every day; he went to various grocery stores shopping for bargains (because he lived on a fixed income) and loved telling me about his great buys he’d found; he foraged for wild mushrooms and good foods like mulberries and huckleberries; on his long walks he often stopped and talked with people he met; he watched tv and read. He planned a trip to visit us every year. I don’t think he EVER sat around bored!

And my Brother never married (though he had a partner the last eight years of his life), but he loved doing things on his own as well as with friends. He went hiking and to all kinds of things like galleries and museums by himself; he took classes; he became a very active church member.....oh, all kinds of things. He did not wait for another person to do things WITH, is my point. Sure, he ended up having lots of friends, but if they were all busy, he didn’t sit around pining for companionship.

I learned that from him! Sure, I had a husband! I had two kids too, who were GREAT companions, but kids get older and have friends and activities of their own too! I have always loved doing things with any and/or ALL of them, BUT....I also love the stuff I do on my own now. And what a huge difference that makes to me, in my life.

Like for example right now I am not minding one bit that Joe has gone out to do some things, because I love having peace and quiet to think and write this. :o)

My problem at this point in my life is actually that I don’t have as much alone time as I would like. Our kids are grown. But I have two sisters, both much older than me, living close to me. One lives with her adult daughter (who is closer to my age than my sisters are). The other lives alone; her son lives four or five hours away and comes to visit four or five times a year. THEY CAN’T GET ALONG WITH EACH OTHER. I know, I know, if you have read me before, you’ve probably read this same ol’ song and dance before. Anyhow, I love both my sisters and want to spend time with both of them. But I’m not going to have an uncomfortable or unpleasant time, so I spend time with them separately. I’ve decided that the bulk of the “fault” that they can’t get along is Carol’s (the one who lives with her daughter), because all Carol does is FIND FAULT with Sandy (as well as most other people, including the SIX husbands she has had).

What does she find fault about, re: Sandy?? HA! Really? Sandy’s facial expressions, tone of voice, and quietness. Sandy is not much of a talker. She just isn’t, that’s all. (Especially if she’s with people who never really shut up!) And she happens to have a sad case of “Resting Bitch Face,” which, let’s face it, SOME PEOPLE HAVE. It doesn’t mean they’re mad. It just means they’re not grinning like the Cheshire Cat right now, and their slack facial expression looks kinda, well, bitchy. Mine, apparently, looks dismayed, even though I rarely am! ;o)

Anyhow, so Carol has gotten mad and called Sandy to task several times in the five years since Sandy moved here from Ohio, about nothing more than that. She tells me she is always nervous around Sandy because “Sandy always seems to be mad about something.” I just wanna tell her to GET THE HELL OVER IT! In fact, I have, but Carol is one of those people you really can’t tell anything.

Anyhow! So I bust my ass trying to not ignore either one, BUT I’ll tell ya what, I have determined that I will put Sandy first out of those two, because I get along with Sandy perfectly fine, and she has no family BUT us close-by, whereas Carol lives with her daughter. She doesn’t like living with her daughter, and she mostly finds fault with her daughter, but that ain’t my fault! My personal goal is to just start not even “feeling sorry” if I don’t spend any time with Carol over the course of a three-day weekend. Hell, she lives with her daughter! AND I GOTTA HAVE SOME DAMN TIME TO JUST BE ME!

Hmmmmm. Referring back to my title, I don’t know what part “forgiveness” plays in this, except that we all have to forgive OURSELVES at times. We cannot “MAKE” anyone else’s life perfect for them. Sure, we should be nice to people. We should do nice things for them when we can. But some people are an exhorbitant amount of work! If we are the sort who really, REEEEEEALLY try hard to please people (like I am), then we can end up always beating ourselves over the head, chiding ourselves with “TRY HARDER! TRY HARDER!!” Well, sometimes....in fact, a lot of the time, we have already tried PLENTY. We do not ALWAYS have to try harder.

So that’s where I’m at right now. I’ve had a great weekend; I’m happy as a clam to have one more day of it. I’m just not gonna have a chance to see Carol this weekend and I simply can’t help it. I DO feel a little....not bad, but sad....about it, but I shouldn’t, so I’m trying not to.