Love for me is intimate. Two people sharing everything deep. Body, souls, emotions and life. Touching each other beyond the boundaries of skin and bones. Piercing each others core atom. So much so that once you remove the touch of your hand, you take a piece of me with you. I feel incomplete. Love for me is never being able to fill this gap with someone else. Never founding that piece you took.
But that’s not the Love you did, is it? For you Love is convenience, subject to availability. IF I am busy figuring out other parts of my life you will have no problem finding intimacy with someone else. Sharing all those late night calls, sweet cuddly talks. Giving each other special nick names. It’s oh-so-easy for you to do with somebody, anybody else. There were other, there will be more. Ever so ready to take my place, and ready you are to give it to them.
How? I asked myself. How can you do this so easily? How looking into my eyes you can say “I love you”, and at the same time texting her “Ami tomake bhalo bachi” (I Love you in Bengali). I couldn’t understand, I googled it. People on the internet tell me its called being “FLIRTATIOUS”. They say some men are like that. Some men do it so often that they don’t even realize that they are doing something wrong. Some men just need attention of other females.
I thought to myself yes, that seems like you. Perhaps you never had a proper female friend, you dont know how a “normal” male-female friendship looks like. That is why you think flirting is normal part of friendship. Well, let me tell you dear it is not. Yes, I agree that there is a thing called “Healthy flirting”, you gave an example of your friend and his girlfriend who casually flirt within their group, and you wanted to also do it with other people. You indirectly told me “Hey llok if they can do it, why can’t I?”. But, I dont know how to make you understand what you did was nowhere “healthy”. “Healthy Flirting”does not involve late night intimate phone calls talking about likes, dislikes, dreams and hopes. Healthy Flirting is what I did with my office colleague, in a public restaurant among 15 people where he made a funny adult joke and I smiled and changed the topic. When I told you about it, you took it as an excuse to justify your “intimate-inappropriate flirting” with the other women. and then blamed me for over reacting.
Let me remind you, over reacting was when I just talked to a guy in club and you interrupted us because you didn’t wanted me talking to him. Over reacting is every time when I mention I am with a male office colleague you ask me thousand of questions, with whom I am going, how many people are there, who is that, and who is that, where, what , why etc. But you dont understand it, because you dont want to understand it. Because as I said Love is just a convenience to you. For you love is not what is right but who is now available for your entertainment.
So, now the question is what should I do, where you won’t change and I can not accept you flirty nature. Should I leave you? Should I hope that you will change one day? Should I just smile and let you share your intimate moments with your other so called “Sweeties, and Jaans and Bacchas, and goris and babies”?
The funny thing is that three years ago, I asked my self the same question, when you were sleeping on the bed in front of me, and I was wide awake fearing for my future, our future. and Today I am again writing this, trying to figure it out, while you are sleeping peacefully in your bed. You never cared then, you never cared now. I cried for you then, I am crying because of you now. The question is that I did forgave you then, should I forgive you now?
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