The D word in Dana Bell

I haven’t been here since autumn. A lot has happened since then.

My husband asked me for a divorce February 4th. The date is etched in my brain as the day my world turned upside down. I was blindsided. My husband and I definitely had our problems but I never thought either of us would utter the D word. We had been going to marriage counseling for a couple of months and I thought things were “better”.
Apparently not. Not for him anyway.
I’ve been grieving for a couple of months. It’s seemed like a lifetime. For the first couple of weeks I was living in a hotel room. Those nights were the hardest. I now have my own house.
Telling our daughter she would now have 2 houses and that sometimes “mommies and daddies make each other sad”. She’s adjusting. It’s been difficult for the family as a whole.
We go to court May 4th and that’s when the divorce is final. Some days I feel like this is a really bad dream and I’ll eventually wake up.
My way of coping is counseling and keeping busy (which is hard when you don’t have a job). Speaking of that, I applied for several jobs tonight and updated my resume. I haven’t worked in yeaaaaars so it’s going to be an adjustment for me. I’m trying to get my foot in the door at an animal clinic or hospital.
I decided I’m going back to school in the fall for veterinary technology. I’m excited and scared. The thought of going back to school makes me gag. I was never a fan of college. Sometimes we have to do things in life we don’t want to. The end result will be worth it and it won’t take that long (5 semesters or so). I’m excited to have a career.

It’s been strange living alone. I have my daughter every other week so I have a lot of free time and I’m often alone. At first it was extremely difficult but I’ve grown to love the quiet.
I never thought Greg and I would get a divorce. Honestly I’m still heartbroken but I keep it to myself. I don’t cry everyday like I used to. It’s hard seeing him every week and talking to him occasionally on the phone.

Aside from the divorce, I’m doing pretty good. I don’t feel as depressed and anxious. A lot of my unhappiness was because of my marriage. I was so depressed for so long and Greg just couldn’t understand, relate, or help. His reason for leaving was “I’m enabling you, I’m not happy, and this isn’t working and hasn’t for years.”. I’ll never understand. He never complained or said anything. How was I supposed to know he was so unhappy? It’s so fucked up. I’m still so angry. He wouldn’t fight for me or support me through my ups and downs.

In a way I feel free now. Free from all the bullshit. I would be lying if I said I didn’t still love him. I always will. He’s my daughter’s father. He was my best friend and we were supposed to grow old together.

Sydney is doing well. She’s almost 4 and a half. Everyday I wonder where the time went. How is she no longer a baby?
She’s beautiful and amazing. Smart and funny. I hate that I have to go without her 2 weeks out of the month. I’m trying really hard to be a good mom. I’m always so hard on myself. I don’t feel good enough. Having her for a week at a time without any help is hard sometimes. She’s been acting out and I know it’s because she’s hurt and confused. She’s really been pushing my buttons lately. I try to remember she’s grieving too. Change is hard for everyone.