Here's the thing in 2017: A Course In Gentleness

Lately I’ve been realizing that I’ve always spent so much mental energy on trying to make others like me. No, not just anyone. People I cared about, who were close to me – roommates, friends, associates. But the thing is, some of them did not care as much. Some of them neglected me and did not put energy into the relationship. And each time, I took it as a sign of a personal flaw. And because the signs added up, along the way, I think I, deep down, became convinced that there is something wrong with me – maybe I’m “too boring,” “not smart enough,” “not interesting enough.” That was the holy trinity, perhaps, of negative thoughts related to my dynamic with other people.

Yesterday I emailed my most demanding prof that I talked about in my previous email and also asked if I could stop calling her Dr. [Last Name] and start calling her by first name. I had noticed lately that all the students in my cohort do and I’m the only one who still says Dr. and started wondering if I’m just being unnecessarily formal. Anyway, she wrote back a really sweet thing. She said of course and that we will be colleagues. Then she thanked me profusely for going to her class and giving a lecture. I was delighted by her response. I felt so … warm and fuzzy. Like, wow, she really likes me, and she respects me. I’ve earned her respect.

So this professor is really smart and energetic, and I’ve admired her and been intimidated by her simultaneously form the start. She is our program head, and she also teaches a class we take. Every week in her class we have to do these thought papers, where we analyze our readings for that week. Everyone dreads it and I had heard that she gives tough feedback and tells people “you’re not thinking deeply enough” so I was dreading this. But something cool happened: On every single thought paper this semester, she has given me excellent feedback. She has told me I’m really thinking and that I have great ideas and that she feels blown away by some of my thoughts. Then on a recent one she said she’d love to discuss them with me outside of class at some point. (So that’s why I was emailing – to set up that coffee.) So all of that to say that I’ve really wanted her to like me, and she does. And that feels good. Because getting external validation is really good – at times, because I don’t gain enough of it internally. (Ah, that was hard to write!). But the thing is … yesterday, after she wrote me that really nice email, I noted an interesting feeling that followed: anxiety. At what, I asked? The answer was: “That it will go away. It’s easier to have it and lose it than never to have had it at all.”

I stayed with this feeling for a day or so, and today, I just keep thinking about all of these people who I’ve wanted to get validation and acceptance from. Of course, it started with my mom in childhood. This anxiety stems from the fact that she was like an ocean, giving me validation and then taking it away, over and over and over again. That feeling of fear that love and acceptance was precarious and at any moment it was going to go away was very, very valid at the time. And that feeling of longing for it. It’s weird to have a parent like that, because when we are young, we have not formed complete identities yet – we depend on our parents to instill in us a sense of confidence and idea of who the f*** we are. I was never given that, and sometimes I feel angry, like right now as I write this. I feel like that was really mean. Because it’s made me suffer for a lifetime so far, a lifetime of seeking external validation, and feeling like it’s never enough, that it will soon end and what then?

It’s hard to admit these things. But I say it all because these days I’ve also been thinking about all of those times when people made me feel neglected or unwanted, that said NOTHING about me. NOTHING. It was all them. Like my mom, people have their issues. And sometimes they don’t – they just change their minds because we don’t click and it’s still okay.

My current roommate … she moved in because we were friends, albeit we had been friends for a few months at that time. It felt wonderful to live with a girl again, but soon after she moved in, she became distant. I noticed times when we were out and she preferred to talk with other people. Other times I invited her to thinks and she said no. She stopped inviting me. She leans on the intellectual side, and of course, I took that as a sign of, “oh, compared to her, I am not smart enough and probably too boring.” It was weird because I really felt this for a few months, and was sad at the loss of closeness. I also didn’t want to try to repair things in case this really is the problem – simply that I’m too boring.

Now I look back and I’m like wait what? My other friends LOVE ME and they are not too boring or uninteresting themselves. Who knows what’s up with her? I don’t want to talk to her. There are some things I don’t like about her actually. The truth is: IIIII NEVER FELT COMPLETELY AT EASE WHEN WE HUNG OUT. SHE TENDS TO HIDE HER FEELINGS AND NOT BE TOTALLY OPEN AND THAT MADE ME ANXIOUS. I All Caps-ed this, because IIII also can chooose when I keep investing in a friendship or not. I’d rather not be friends with someone who makes me feel this way.

THAT’S what I’ve been thinking the last few days. I don’t want to be friends with someone who makes me feel this way! And as I realized this, I just started thinking of other people in my life I’ve spent sooo much mental energy wishing they could “return” – make things the way they were “before.”

But if people leave or neglect, LET THEM GO. I LET THEM GO. Because they are not meant to be here, and if I try to hold onto them, I will lose myself, as I have before, I will destroy my peace, that peace I feel every day when I am not thinking about things like this, and I do not want that.

I have felt neglected often lately.

My new friend from my program … I LOVE spending time with her. She seems to enjoy our coffee dates and the times we’ve gone out as well, and I do too. But then she is SUPER slow to respond by text and sometimes she doesn’t at all, and that bothers me, because that’s our form of communication at times when we are not in class. She also never initiates our hangouts. I always do. Yet she’s told me before that she wishes she could go out more and do new things. So I was inviting her to things at first, and she came. But the thing is, I AM IN THIS FRIENDSHIP TOO, and it’s a two-way street. I hate that she doesn’t make any effort to plan anything and also that she doesn’t respond to texts.

This weekend, tomorrow, my friend K, who has made me feel so wanted and loved and not neglected lately, asked if I wanted to go to an art show with her and her friend tomorrow. I said yes and then thought about who else I could invite. I really wanted to invite this friend I mentioned from the program … but then it clicked: “She doesn’t make me feel good … she makes me feel unimportant and neglected … like she is too busy for me … and YET! I keep ‘chasing’ her, wishing things could be different, she was more active in investing energy in this friendship so I see more of her!”

No. This is not healthy. I don’t know what’s up with her, but her behavior doesn’t make me feel good. So I need to stop. Let her do what she needs to. Still continue talking to her in school and in classes obv, but let her be my school friend. Because that’s what she seems capable of right now, and friendship is a two-way street.

I have to see people CLEARLY; I can’t keep wishing relationships to change. So why put in more effort, make more plans, when she hasn’t responded to old ones in the past and doesn’t make any effort? So I didn’t invite her. Instead I invited this wonderful open, friendly, warm spirit I met a few weeks ago on my way to the conference. *I have to keep trying, find the people who make me feel good, who reciprocate my love and affection and loyalty, and don’t make me work for the basics. * I’ve noticed I make friends easily because I am warm. What gets me is that I get stuck on the wrong people, do this thing where I invest energy and care into people who don’t care as much, then I take it personally, think it’s me, and retreat, limiting opportunities to meet new people. In reality, what I need to do is stop investing time and energy in people who do not reciprocate faster, and keep going out to meet new ones and good ones. Then when I find them, invest in those.

Another thing that’s been making me feel bad lately … with my cohort from school, we’ve had a group chat. I LOVED that at first, and I’m playful and funny (I swear, other people say it too hahaha). But the thing is, soon I noticed my msgs were going unanswered. That made me feel so bad for a long time. At first I thought it was me: “Did I say too much? Am I too weird?” But now I see it again! I was working too hard, wishing the way things are could change. No. So I’ve stopped texting, and I keep interacting with these people as I do at school, but I spend time outside of school with OTHERS who make me feel like they also want to be there. These people are busy, not reciprocating my warmth and affection. So GO. That’s the message.

I have wasted my warmth and affection on so many people who didn’t want it or reciprocate it, and it has made me feel so bad about myself for so many years. I am not doing it anymore. Oh, I will still be just as warm as I am now … but I won’t put in the effort where it isn’t reciprocated. I will shift the effort to new people, only those who accept it and reciprocate it.

That’s what I need. That’s gentleness. Gentle to self. To me.

I feel so much anger as I write this. It’s amazing. Because I did not want to sit down and write tonight. I knew I was avoiding something because I was feeling … restless, distracted. And so I sat. And let it come out. And this is it.

I’ve been too giving. Not too giving in absolute terms, but in relative ones. With the wrong people. They can just fuck off.

Another thing I was just thinking about. Last week I had a really hard week. Long story short, I ended up crying for 2 hours in my mentor’s office, telling her about my feeling disconnected from my family, which was making me sad, and other things that had been making me anxious. I wasn’t intending to talk about all this, but she asked and it triggered tears, then she closed her door and handed me a box of tissues. So that’s that. You’d think later, days later or a week later, she would ask if everything was okay? She didn’t. What the fuck?! What world do we live in that we don’t ask one another if shit’s okay???????? That BOTHERS me. I want to be around CARING people, and this isn’t it. Why didn’t she ask? I don’t know. But I need to see her as she is. She is the type of person who is kind and generous with her time and professional advice, who then doesn’t ask how you’re doing after you bawl for 2 hours in her office. So be it. Maybe she got busy, maybe she had things on her mind. But she didn’t ask. And I won’t make excuses. I hate it. So I won’t put her on the pedestal. She is just a person, my mentor. We are really there for work. Everything else is extra. I wanted extra, but it’s not there. So I keep it work-related, and take my heart elsewhere, to the friends that are good to me and who listen.

I have in my mind this vision of this wonderful world where everyone is super caring and sweet. But the world, or at least many people in my current situation, just aren’t like that. I’m learning to see it clearly, and invest my time and love in those who return it. I have those people too in my world, and I am lucky. And so I think it’s just a matter of seeing it, seeing who is worth investing in, even if you want to love all people and wish they could love you back. They can’t. We do have limited capacity, time, attention spans. Despite the anger, I want to forgive all these people who hurt me. But I don’t want to go there too fast. I want to focus on me right now. This is part of self-love, I think, and being gentle to myself. Just remembering there are people like me out there, and when I stop investing energy on people who do not or cannot reciprocate the way I want them to, the more time I can spend with those who do. Those who make me feel loved. Because I am. Loved and worthy of love.

So much to process.

love,
me