I did it! in 2017: A Course In Gentleness

I’m feeling super sleepy because I’ve been getting 5.5 hours of sleep a night, and I’m going to bed soon, very soon, but I wanted to check in first. Because today was fab.

It started with me opening my eyes at 7AM and saying “nooo … I don’t want to do this lecture … I don’t want to take this exam.” My toughest prof liked a presentation I did in my grad class last semester, and she asked if I could give it as a lecture to her undergrad class this semester. Of course, I said yes! But deep down I also dreaded it. Because I was scared. I pictured the presentation going bad, me blanking, the students looking at me quizzically, the prof being disappointed … and then beyond that, I also had a really hard exam today that I’d been studying nonstop for for 5 days. And I did both today. Lecture first, and it went so well! The undergrads looked so young and sweet, and the prof was super supportive. And it didn’t even feel so bad as I was giving this magical lecture! It actually felt kind of cool, because it always is when you command people’s attention and talk to them about stuff you care about.

Anyway, and then afterward, the prof walked out with me and told me how well I did and that they use these opps to observe us students as teachers and give us advice for future, but she had 0 constructive criticism, just positive things to say, which was awesome. Made me feel so good. Like … I was good at something. I guess I’ve been kind of hard on myself lately, and when under stress, my thoughts go haywire a bit, and I start to wonder if I could be doing all these different small things better and neglecting to see all the things I AM doing SO well. So this was nice … when it’s hard to muster my own internal cheerleader, it’s nice to have others cheer for me.

OK, and then this exam. That felt good. There were 13 essay topics he could have given us. I knew 4 really well, 5 so-so, and 4 not at all. So walking in, I was scared, because I need a B to remain in good standing in the program. And luck just had it, that all 4 of my know-well topics were on the exam!!!! So I wrote nonstop for 2.5 hours, till I got to the end of the blue book and my arm was numb. And then I handed it in to the prof smiling and walked out in to the sunny afternoon …

… and felt this intense sense of relief.

These two things had REALLY been weighing on me. There have really been 4 big hurdles that have been weighing on me for the semester:

1. Give first talk at regional psych conference. CHECK! I did this :D

2. Give first lecture to class of undergrads. CHECK!

3. Take this difficult exam. CHECK!

4. Give second talk, but this time at national psych conference. Chaired by this famous memory researcher. [[this one’s in May … still a little scared … but hey I rocked #1, 2, and 3, and I’m kind of starting to not be so, so scared of this one … although still am a little …]]

Grad schools is a crazy fucking experience. It pushes you to your limits. It makes you face all your fears at once. And right when you’re at breaking point and think you can’t do it and start doubting your steps and your ability, you do. Then a little rainbow appears, and you’re like, oh, okay, I did it. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. :)

I’m doing it. That’s all. I’ll write more later, after sleep. But I’m doing this new thing these days where I’m savoring positive emotion, because i noticed at some point I was not as good at savoring positive as I was at working through negative emotion. I was too quick to skip over the good things or stop feeling them as much in case they go away. A whole other story.

But I did it. I’m happy! Relieved. Fulfilled. And savoring.

Yay <3

love,
me