i need more valium in my life in not this again

Sometimes its the best.

it really is.

im tired. Beyond tired. But it helps. When nothing will change and everything is hopeless and theres nothing you can do.

when the days just go and on forever unchanging and your eternal optimism dried up eons again. Theres a pill.

theres a pill for everything these days. A pill and an acronym. Its finding the right ones thats the difficulty. But when you have absolutely no credibility nor scrap of your own personal character left. Then theres valium.

maybe this is what growing up is all about.

maybe one day i can find newer ways of drowning myself. I hope that as i get older i can give less of a fuck. Less of a fuck about wrong and right and only ne’er giving a shit about anyone else. Just be old and over it. I hope i reach that perspective.

sometimes i imagined it might have just been better to be a memory.

they always have their own memories, people do. Wether its a memory of the real you or their own mental delerium its an idea or a perception of you in their head. And what difference does it make that they were all so fucked up and selfish what difference did the real presentation of myself make.

i think to one or two people. They might have understood.

but sometimes i wonder what the point to waking up is.

and right now idont know.

i.just take some little white pill because i can and that is my greatest achievement right now.

lasting another day like this.

i used to hope no one else would ever feel like this, this level of despondency, i never wamted my brother to ever feel helpless and hopelessness but now i dont give a fuck.

why should i?

who cares.

and least of all, its me who cares the very least.