Balancing acts in It's a Suhaila!

I should have been born under the star sign of Libra. The scales.

Balancing acts basically sums up how I am running my life at the moment. I am balancing my studies with Jasmine, helping around the house, and Scott. I have to find enough time to properly manage all of them, plus there’s also a need for Suhaila-time and sleep-time.

Each and every one of those things are important to me in one way and another, and I don’t want to feel like I am pushing some things down the list to make other things work. What I am trying to do is prioritise it all, so that what is the most important gets the greatest share of my time devoted to it. And, although this may sound harsh, if anyone is pushed down that list and they don’t like it, sod them, it’s MY life and well being I need to think about.

It’s impossible to keep this up and keep everyone happy so there are compromises going on.

Top priorities are Jasmine, and my Open University course. I want to be clear that my Open Universit course is not me saying to people “look just because I have a baby I can do this.” It’s about getting myself a degree, to give myself that extra start and push forwards. It’s also to be able to support Jasmine. And she is also top because she’s my little girl. She is fractionally ahead of the courses because I can catch up by being a little flexible, but if she’s ill or needs attention, everything else has to make do with the pause button.

Her father is still making a habit of coming to see her which is a good thing. I’ve neverforced him to but it’s nice. Last week I felt really tired when he came round early evening, and I ended up having a nap for an hour while he spent a little time with her.

Which brings me on to Scott. So far he’s been nice, but I am having a few doubts over a few things. I don’t want to go out too often as I don’t want to keep dumping Jasmine on mum and dad, there’s a few nights each week where I lock myself away to study for my degree because she does need me in the daytimes, and I don’t want to fall behind. I don’t want to feel like I’m constantly passing her to other people so I can do things, if that makes sense. She’s my baby and I should be there for her as much as I possibly can.
I’m just hoping that he will be patient and see exactly how much of a juggling act my life is at the moment. I’m hoping this will lead somewhere.

Which leads me on to comments I hear people say. Some girls back at school and college would constantly say “I need a boyfriend”. Uhm.... no. If they think that then they have their priorities wrong I think. Is a boyfriend essential to your life? It’s not for me. It would be nice if Scott became a boyfriend, but I don’t “need” a bf. A need for me is something to take your life forwards and without it you will struggle… for me, I need to study and get my degree, and I need to be there for Jasmine.

Also the underlying thoughts of sex are creeping in to my mind… although nothing has been said yet, I have to consider that the longer we see each other, the more likely it is to come up in discussion between us. It’s a tricky one for me right now. The last time I had sex was a few months ago with Jasmine’s father and it was for a me a needs thing - I needed the company. But I have got that out of my system. I’m waiting now for a relationship of some level, and there’s a few other things - I won’t have sex when parents are home, and also certainly not when Jasmine is wandering around the place awake. And I sure as heck don’t want a bed-buddy kind of thing when if I get the chance I do it with someone on call. Scott going to have to be understanding and patient with me on this one and if he isn’t, I’m going to have to reluctantly show him the door.

One final thought. How come I can’t flow this well when doing my university work?