It has been some time. in Give Me Mercy and a Minute now. I'm a bleed a little poison out.

I have been meaning to write for the longest time. And with everything going on in my life it feels like an insurmountable task to even write about it all. My focus has been on dealing with everything and I am constantly exhausted from it. So where should I even begin.

Family?
I guess primarily start with my mother. She is off the deep end again. She is so dead set in her hypernegative mind set that she will not see or hear anything contrary to it. For fucks sake, she claims that I don’t understand and shit when I am constantly trying to get her to open her eyes and change her perspective so that she is tainting everything with a negative outlook. Your perspective alone can have an immeasurable effect on your mood. But she absolutely refuses. Anytime I try she just says that I don’t understand or that I don’t get it or I am not listening. Which is horse shit. If I didn’t understand the pain or get that she is in such pain then why would I be persisting on her changing her perspective. And she even meets it with sarcastic shit like, “Oh I am just supposed to be fine with what they did to me.” Which she refuses to hear when I say No. It’s not about being okay with anything or being fine. Pain is necessary in life, but you don’t go on a suicide crusade when things go south. Yes it sucks. Yes it will hurt. But you take what is given to you and work forward to better things. Regardless of if you believe there is anything good out there, you continue on because I promise you…there is ALWAYS MORE and ALWAYS something better around the corner. However, you have to work towards it. “Miracles” don’t just up and happen. She continues to insist that the only thing that can save her is a miracle and I have to bite my tongue because I know she is somewhat religious, but I just want to yell at her. MIRACLES DO NOT FUCKING HAPPEN!! AND IT IS NOT A MIRACLE YOU NEED! You don’t need a miracle for things to get better you need to recognize the situation you are in and that you don’t like it. You’re not happy. And you work towards doing something about it. THAT DOES NOT INCLUDE SUICIDE OR RECKLESS ABANDON. You think about shit and form a plan to intelligently get out of the situation that is causing you pain. She needs to stop fixating on making everything terrible and constantly telling herself that everything is terrible and it will always be terrible because that is not how it works. There is a balance in the world. Good and Bad can not exist without one another. Do I really need to point to my Aunt May Spiderman quote that I constantly use to show people that even though things are bad at the time, they won’t always be bad. Things in life take work. They are not always easy, hell anything worth a damn is never easy. She refuses to hear anything I say and quite honestly she is starting to take shit out on me. She hates me for not understanding. She keeps trying to group me with my sister and father. They both abandoned her and have been constantly shitty. And she continues to make it out like I am just so shitty. That I am the worst there is. That anytime we talk and I persist on her changing her perspective and opening her eyes she claims that it just makes her feel worse. She talks about how she needs someone to go out and do stuff with or to talk to or all this other shit. But whenever I offer my help or to go out or something there is some kind of excuse attached to it. It’s pathetic going out and doing something with my son. You don’t want to really go. I don’t trust you. You just make me feel worse. Etc. Etc. Shit like that. She is not willing to get help she claims she wants help but she won’t accept any. And I have repeated the same god damn conversations so many fucking times. It just is on repeat constantly. Every single night …“Why cant I just die and be done with it” Constantly telling me how everything would be better if she died at the beginning of all these shit. Claiming that I would have a relationship with my father still if she had died. Which, NO. I don’t see any way that after all his actions that a relationship would happen. Hell I am trying to figure out what to change my name to honestly. But I feel like it has to feel right. The name that is. But regardless, she is so dead set in her hypernegativity that it is driving me insane. I have repeated myself so many times and been shut down or met with more negativity at every turn and any time I get her in a corner where she knows I am right and she doesn’t really have a response she gets all worked up and starts acting like a spoiled teenager not getting her way. Throwing shit and yelling and slamming her door and shit. And she always says the same shit that she wants to die and be alone and sit in “her box” which that is a whole other thing. She calls her room “her box” because she refuses to do anything but sit in her room. I tell her constantly watch something. Do crafts. Read a book. Do anything but just sit there and mess with that one game on your phone. Because she always says that there is nothing but any time I suggest shit she says she hates it. How in the hell am I supposed to help her get through this shit when she won’t even open up to trying shit or doing shit or even be willing to do anything. I am incredibly stubborn and I feel like I should be able to do something, but everything I try or do or say it is just shut down. She is so blinded by pain and negativity that she can’t even see how true the shit I say and do is. She even is trying to taint memories with negativity. Claiming that every single second was a waste and that infuriates me. Because that is not how life works. Good memories are good memories. Regardless of how the relationships or events or whatever plays out thereafter. But a good memory is a good memory. Hell, my memories with my exes that I enjoy…still good and happy memories regardless of their cheating or just not working out. Just because something doesn’t work out doesn’t make it a waste. And just because someone doesn’t return the emotion or affection or something does not make it a waste. If you were happy to be devoting yourself or your time or caring about someone because it made you happy making them happy....then it was never a waste. Regardless of if they deserved it or not. It does not make it a waste. It is called living. And that is part of life. Things don’t always go right. But how does that saying go? It’s not the destination it is the journey.

So, as things stand now she is planning to leave via train or something come April 1st. Now with that I have no idea what to do. I don’t know if I need a place by April or if I have this place through April. I don’t know if I should be trying to find a place here for as cheap as I can manage so I can fund fighting the asshole or what. I just don’t know. There is sooo much and so many things that are just being thrust on to my shoulders. Like for fucks sake she is putting the dogs on my shoulders. Telling me that I have to decide what to do with them. What the fuck is that? I mean....I know what shelters are and what would most likely happen with the pups. So do I give them even a chance and have to abandon them? Or do I euthanize them and give them peace? Do I bear the pain of having to do that on top of all the other pain and shit that has been thrust on to my shoulders that I have had to carry? Not to mention the divorce and support stuff. That she consistently is contradicting herself on. One second she says she just wants to sign divorce papers and be done with it but then after she calms down a bit is talking about getting all she can from the piece of shit.

Now I want to move. I want away from here. But I want to go somewhere I will have good internet to stay in touch and be able to game with my friends. And I want to be closer to J....I can’t remember if I have used her name on here or not so for now she will go by J. That being said it is also a huge risk as I have to figure out a way to transfer up there and get a place to live up there. I have one option that I think I need to call and see about but I don’t know for certain. And How do I even go about contacting these people when I dont even know what my mother is actually doing. It drives me insane. I am constantly terrified of what will I have to deal with next. I can’t even go through a shift at work without my mother freaking out. And she will say a million negative things via text while I am at work and convince herself of false truths and claim that because I dont respond it must be true. NO!! I am at work. I can not text constantly to babysit your crazy shit. And I don’t want to make light of that term. Crazy. I am not being insensitive with it. Trust me on that. I have had so many of my friends be on the edge of insanity. But my mother is just being so damn ridiculous with everything.

Oh and get this shit. My mother had to look at bank statements for attorney. The fucking asshole spent over 9 grand on going out with his mistress in the last 6-9 months. And he got a dog…or he got her a dog and they are living together. He tried to ask my mother to file taxes jointly this year to save money....like…NO....FUCK YOU. Fucking douchebag. And when my mother mentioned that shit he told her to stop stalking him. The fucking moron is leaving a ‘paper’ trail and is claiming it as stalking when in any divorce or support case bank statements WILL be looked at and guess what any judge is going to say. What are you spending 1000 dollars a month on? You go out to eat 6 to 10 times a week. You are spending money frivolously and you tried to claim that she abandoned you? Eat shit and die you cowardly cunt. I almost laugh at times....like this mother fucker demanded respect just because he fathered me. All the while he can’t handle me calling him a coward. A bitch. A piece of shit. Narcissistic fuck tries to fucking go toe to toe with me and then when I shut his shit down he gets tall spiteful. The little fucker. Oh and during the little argument after asking about taxes he said “I just want a relationship with my son” Guess what mother fucker. That shit WILL NOT happen. No chance. I am going to do all I can to get what I can from him. Hell it may be arguably wrong but I may try to get him to help fund my moving away under the false pretense of him standing a chance at a relationship. Quite frankly the way I see it…the shit he did…he deserves to pay for something good to come out of it. Even if it is a bit selfish for it to be for me to get away from here. But fuck him. He is absolute scum. A piece of shit. And after I am settled wherever I can be I plan to record and post a video and tag family in it so that they can see through his lies and his bullshit. I will make sure that one way or another he will pay for his transgressions.

So family life is pretty much shit. Shocker there right?

Work?
So work. I pushed to get a dedicated team for the cooler and freezer push on Monday Wednesday and Friday. I got it. They made it so the 3 main market people do it. Which is awesome. Well…would be. But there is one glaring problem. One of the market people is becoming a problem. He is brown nosing and trying to kiss ass his way past me. Couple issues with that. 1. This is the same dude that walked out before finishing his 2 weeks after putting in his 2 weeks notice. 2. he came crawling back. 3. He is abandoning his true responsibilities to make it look like he is doing shit all around the store. 4. He is initiating conversations with team leads that last for over an hour…during the cooler and freezer push time. Now that stuff is time sensitive and temperature sensitive so it has to be done in a timely manner. There are only 3 of us doing it now. So I need both of them there. Depending on the size of the truck. I can handle most times on my own, but fact is Friday is the big day and it is always Fridays that he is disappearing for some dumb shit. Hell, he pulled a tl aside to bitch about me specifically. Because I was making sure he want on his break at the right time so that it didn’t screw with the timing for the other peoples lunches. I know this because I have actual work relationships with the team leads and with people that are tight with the team leads. So he was bitching about me saying I tell him when to go to lunch. Which I do when it becomes an issue of him waiting till the last possible minute. Which as the senior team member for that department and the “mentor” that is part of my job. He complained about “asking questions” because “where have you been?” is apparently an inappropriate question when he disappears for fucking hours. He is kissing ass. And christ is it annoying me. I am not a bureaucrat. I am here for a job and getting said job done effectively as possible. I don’t give a damn what your rank is....respect that I have been in this area longer and am better at it…respect my experience listen to what I say and get the fuck out of my way or do what I say. Simple as that. I got work to do.

I don’t really know what else to write about honestly. I am just constantly trying to figure everything out and it just seems like there are no good solutions.