Since OD is officially coming to an end, I feel it's time for a proper introduction. This is a cross post from OD, but you will get the gist of who I am and my journey through life for the past 27 years:
Even though everyone called it, I was said to see that OD will be officially shutting down soon. This has been my home since 2002, since I was 15! I want to take a brief look back into my journey here on OD...
When I started this diary I was in the 10th grade, I was 15 and so lost in the world. I didn't know who I was or who I wanted to be. I had a strong desire to be loved and even stronger desire to hold on to my virginity. That was a very confusing time for me. Then I got uprooted from my home in Florida when my dad accepted a new job in Missouri. I thought my life was over at the time. I had a lot of resentment and disdain towards my dad for taking me from my home and I had shit ton of hatred for my mother for being a drunken b. At this point I had migrated from trying to be cool to being a punk scene kid. So when I moved to Branson, Missouri I had a major chip on my shoulder and started judging every one who didn't wear thrift store clothes and listen to Screeching Weasel. I started my junior year and somehow became really popular. Finally I had found my place being this punk/emo/wigger. Da fuck? Don't ask me. But it worked. I was in with the cool kids and going to all the parties. Then I fell in "love" with Thomas Styron. A popular kid who didn't really want to be but was. I had a major Helga Patacky/Hey Arnold unrequited love thing going on with him. This was undoubtedly the best year of my life. I was finally pretty happy with who I was and where I was headed in life. This would all change that summer.
Towards the end of junior year I got a job at the theme park that my dad was the general manager of. Once school got out, I worked there all summer long. Cue entrance of Blake into my life. For some reason I fell stupidly "in love" with this 18 year old wigger from the wrong side of the tracks. This could turn into a very long story, but the gist is pretty simple. I fell in love, he took my virginity. My parents hated him. So I left home and moved into a two ROOM trailer with him. He ended up beating me most days and cheating on me the whole time with his baby mama, Wanda. Then shit got real serious. I found out on my 17th birthday that i was pregnant. By this point we were barely surviving. Living off stolen food and stolen gas. He went back home to his family in Arkansas and I went back home to my with my tail between my legs. At this point I was just a few months pregnant. My parents found out because my mom is a drunken snoop and always eavesdropped on my phone calls. They demanded I get an abortion. I was torn. I thought keeping the baby would mean it would keep Blake. That didn't happen. Oh I forgot to mention that during this time my senior year of school started and I had dropped out. So I was a pregnant 17 year old high school drop out. Fortunately I was able to go to the alternative school the next semester and graduate on time with my class. I was 8 months pregnant when I walked across that stage. My daughter was born that summer and I started college that August, determined to make something of myself.
The next few years would be followed by a lot of internal struggle and uncertainty. A reoccurring theme throughout this diary has been discontent in where I am in life and the uncertainty of who I was and who I wanted to be. When I was 19 i moved down to Orlando with my family from Missouri. I was very sad to leave, but had no choice. I wasn't receiving child support, Blake only saw Cassidy three times and I was making minimum wage while going to school full time. When I started working at a sports bar at Disney World things started to shift for the worse. I was in college still but had found new "friends." And by friends, I mean much older co workers who liked to drink and do drugs. I developed a major problem with alcohol and cocaine. I'm not sure how it really got to the point that it did, but from like 20-23 I spent most of my time in the bar. Also had to go to the hospital for a coke overdose. That was a pretty low point when I realized I had no real friends. Out of all the people I texted or reached out to, one guy came to pick me up. My bff Samantha drove from Tampa to Orlando to be with my for the next few days. She is my only true friend.
I moved to Georgia when I was like 22. I was still a lost puppy. Even in a new place I was still back to my old ways of drinking and going out a lot. I stopped doing coke, only because it was no longer accessible to me. I was still working menial jobs as I continued to work on my BS. All my drinking finally caught up to me when in January of 2009 when I got pulled over for DUI. I spent the next 24 hours in jail and then a year on probation, doing community service, paying fines, and going to drug and alcohol classes. I met Bradley in September 2009. Started developing major feelings for him only to find out he was going to prison for two years for texting a student when he was a teacher. That was pretty depressing and I attempted to find solace in another guy named Eric. This was a volatile relationship. It was like 9 months of on and off and lots of fighting. I thought I loved him because I wanted to love someone and be loved. Things went sour quickly once Bradley started reaching out to me via letters/phone calls from prison. I kept in contact with him just entertaining the idea of us actually being together. Things with Eric eventually fizzled out completely once I got on a serious health kick and realized I wanted more out of a relationship. He got a new job and moved a few hours away and I haven't seen him but one time since. After he moved, he still wanted me, and I thought about moving in with him only as a means of getting away from my drunken mother. Fortunately I was offered my first "real" job in South Carolina and moved to Charleston at the beginning of 2011.
By this time the drinking had pretty much come to a halt and I was finally an adult and a good mom. Also by this time I had started corresponding with Bradley on the regular and fallen in love with him. Cassidy and I moved to Charleston and moved into my cousins house. This was a bittersweet time. I loved finally being away from my mom, I loved my new job, and my new co workers. But I didn't make as much money as I thought I would and living with my cousin, her POS husband, and their two year old proved to be very trying. I was paying way to high rent and was being taken advantage of. After 6 months we moved in with a coworker of mine. It was way cheaper and less intrusive and right in the heart of Charleston. But, they were hoarders and pet hoarders and at this point I was just plain homesick. I was also hopelessly in love with Bradley and was anxiously awaiting him getting out of prison in October 2011. Despite reservations from my friends and families, I waited for Bradley and from the moment he got out it was just better than I had imagined. It was everything I hoped for. That did take a turn for the worse, which I will get into that later. That Christmas when I was home from Charleston, my mom was basically on her alcohol death bed. She was so fucked up and no one could stand to be around her nor did she care. All she did was drink and watch tv and pass out. I got engaged that Christmas. Right after that we forced my mom to go to rehab. I had to begrudgingly go back to Charleston and leave my mom and Bradley. After my mom got out of rehab and me and Bradley started planning for our August 2012 wedding, I decided it was time for me to move back. I was sad to leave, but ready to be home. I moved on April 1 back to Georgia and started work the next day working for the division of Child Support.
Something I never talked about on OD was a very bad time between Bradley and I when he first got out. As much as you prepare for it, once they're released from prison there is a great period of adjustment. There was also a lot of outside factors to deal with too, the long distance, the financial strain, new found independence, new found relationship, etc. It was a lot. Despite the good, the first few months had a lot of fights and a lot of make ups and break ups. This resulting in Bradley cheating on me. I know right. I couldn't believe it either. In fact, I had no idea and was so flabbergasted, it's still hard to believe to this day. I guess it happened in December sometime, after one of our explosive fights and subsequent break ups. I had no knowledge of this until TWO months later when the BITCH FB messaged me and told me they fucked once. I didn't believe her. I just couldn't believe that he'd do that to me. After all I did for him. After all that time that I waited. My baby would never do that to me. So I confronted him (via text I was still living in Charleston at the time) and he tried to deny it. Hours later he finally admitted it. At that point I was like fuck you the wedding is off how could you. He had no words. Coward. I was so mad, and writing about this now has brought back and flood of emotions. Anyways, I proceeded to go buy a bottle of rum and a pack of cigarettes (which I hadn't smoked in YEARS). And went in sat on Folly Beach and just drank and smoked and wondered how the fuck this could have happened to me (again?!). Luckily at this point, Cassidy had just moved back to Georgia with my parents while I packed and was getting ready to move back in the next few weeks. So anyway, I sat there for hours. Till finally I just got in my car and drove. And drove until I ended up in Orlando with an old friend I used to work with. He was also an old friend I used to do coke with. And I did it again. For the first time in like 4 years, I just got fucked up and didn't care. Nobody knew where I was or what I was doing. My family kept calling and work, and I just ignored their calls for days. Eventually it was back to reality. I had no one to turn to because I was so embarrassed and ashamed and still in disbelief. Of course he was begging an begging me to come back to him. I was indifferent. I loved him so much and could not fathom ever doing something like that to him. How could he do it to me? I don't care if we were broken up, you don't do that. You knew we were going to get back together. It took a LONG LONG LONG time to finally get over this. I mean like a year. We went to counseling for it which helped some. But it was on my mind day in and day out for the longest. I couldn't trust him and was always checking the phone records and accusing him of shit. In the meantime we were still planning a wedding. Looking back now I wish we had postponed it for many reasons, but we had already paid on so much we went along with everything.
The main reason I wish we had waited is because we found out that it was against his probation for us to get married and live together. So, even though we are "married" we are not legally married and we STILL don't live together. That has been the majority of my most recent posts on here. Talking about the legal issues and how tired I am with it all. I'm at a place now where I am really just ready to throw my hands up and say "fuck it." But something keeps me holding on. I'm not sure what the future holds for us, I do know I am not going to be living like this forever.
So this was my OD/life story. There's a lot more that happened in-between everything that I just wrote. But the point is, I am very sad to see all my memories go away. All the friends that I made on here I will sincerely miss. I have known some people on here for like years, like I think I've been reading PrettyPrincessa since 2007. I feel like I've gone through my favs' struggles and like they have gone through mine with me. I will really miss that. I am on Prosebox and I guess now I will have no choice but to write on there. Please find me and let me know you're on there too, I am under the same name, Ring of Honor. It has been a good ride OD. Thanks for 12 years of a sacred place to run to with all of my secrets, thoughts, and emotions. And if you made it through this whole entry I really salute you!
Love,
Leigh
"Ring of Honor"
Loading comments...