Being a Grown Up in Transition

All of our systems at work are broken today so I can’t do anything. Oh joy, I was planning to use my early starts this week to catch up on all my planned work as I’ve had no time the last couple of weeks.

Anyway, as I can’t do anything, I might as well write something in here. It’s more of an abstract entry. Thinking about being an adult. My whole life, I’ve just felt like I was “playing” at being an adult. Bumbling along, making it up as I go along. Convinced that one day I’m going to be caught out and someone’s going to realise I’m not actually a grown-up. When you’re a child, grown-ups seem to be magical entities who can do anything and know everything. I’m still waiting for that to kick in!

But since everything that’s happened with Jay, I feel like I’ve suddenly turned into an adult almost overnight. Having to deal with the funeral, all of his affairs. But mostly, the fact that I found my fiance’s dead body hanging from the stairs and I’m still functioning on a daily basis. I would have thought I’d end up in a straitjacket in a padded room, moaning and screaming and banging my head against the wall. I have no idea how I managed to go back to work after only having three days off. Maybe I’m fooling myself, maybe I’m not really facing up to it? I don’t know. But I am confused, but also impressed with myself. Maybe this is what being an adult is all about.

Sometimes I can go for days or even weeks without being bothered by it. Sometimes I end up sobbing for ages for absolutely no reason. I’ve always managed to do it when I’m alone, though.

Except last weekend. My dad kept going on about the hotel for the wedding. He tried to get my money back for the deposit I paid, which was £500. They wouldn’t return the deposit but said I could have a £500 voucher for the hotel and spa instead. I thanked dad but said I don’t ever want to go there again, as it’s just a further reminder of the wedding that isn’t happening. He kept going on and on about it, I said he could have the voucher if he wanted. I appreciated what he’s done and £500 is a lot of money, but I’ve lost my entire future and I don’t need to be reminded of that by going to stay at the hotel where I was supposed to be getting married. I had to leave the room as I was starting to have a panic attack just thinking about it. I went to bed and sobbed. It was 1am after all, dad was drunk and he ends up acting like a dog with a bone when he’s had a drink, he just won’t leave something alone, despite the fact I was obviously getting upset.

Oh and the weekend just gone. Me and Dave went out for a nice Valentine’s day out. We went bowling, had a few drinks and went for a meal in the bar where we first met. The drink was good, the food was good, the company was good and we were meant to be enjoying being back at the “scene of the crime” as he put it. But, for some reason, out of nowhere, I suddenly started crying while I was eating. It was quite embarrassing, I was sitting there with a napkin to my face while he sat quietly and let me get on with it. I don’t even know what I was crying about. He said he could understand as it’s the first Valentine’s day without Jay, but that’s not fair on him. I ended up telling him it was because I was really worried about paying for the house on my own. Which is partly true, I am very worried about it. But I have no idea why I was crying. I’ve always made sure I never cry in front of him and there I was doing it while we were having a nice meal in a public place!

The rest of the evening wasn’t the same after that and we ended up going home at about 10:30pm.

He didn’t seem to mind though. I told him I don’t know how he puts up with me and all my baggage and he just laughed and said “I must be a sucker for punishment.” He’s so nice, I don’t deserve him.

I did get him a nice gift, though. He loves Star Wars and video games, so I bought him a Boba Fett model, loaded with over 3,000 retro games. Jay’s best friend Rob makes them so I bought one for Dave. He got very excited about it so hopefully that makes up for my weirdness.

For his birthday in a couple of weeks, I’m thinking of taking him to London for the day as there’s a Star Wars exhibition at the O2. I’ll have to look at train times and prices and things. I probably shouldn’t be spending this money when I’ve just said I’m worried about paying for the house, but I need to treat him after all he’s put up with from me.