Feeling Five Ways at Once in The Daily (2014)

I don't know what is up with me lately. How can I be so suspended between so many different feelings? Yesterday I met Katie while I was studying for a cup of tea that turned into 4 hours of conversation and it felt wonderful. I've missed her so much. I've missed people so much. Today, I am thankful because I really appear to be coming out of my depression. I can laugh and joke and smile again and I feel liberated. I actually really do think unloading all of my feelings on my counsellor the other day helped me more than I wanted to admit at first. I feel somewhat lighter. It's almost like I needed someone else, other than Liz, to remind me that I am a person, a person who is allowed to be complicated and needy and who is allowed to make mistakes, and that I deserve the same empathy I extend to others, which includes a willingness to contextualize mistakes that I have made, learn a lesson from them, and move on. It's not that I've learned to do this- I haven't. But I needed someone else to remind me. Or maybe I just needed to know that I could be my messy fucked up self and tell people about my messy fucked up mistakes and have them remain firm in that I am not a bad person- that I am a person, and messy fucked up mistakes are a big part of what people do. But then, in a way, isn't that almost just as fucked up? Like, I need that external validation? Isn't that need for external validation exactly what my problem is and always has been? Annnnd this is what I mean about holding multiple conflicting emotions in tandem. I do feel happier, I do feel more clear headed, and I do feel thankful, but I also feel... sad, today. And I don't know why or what it is. I can't stop thinking. Not in the self-loathing way I have been lately. Just evaluating my life and decisions. Running through them and trying to understand. That backpack I talked about before on OD? It's like I am unpacking it. Spreading all the contents on the table and looking at them, trying to figure out how they got there and why I am examining them. And it is emotionally draining. On top of this, I got my period yesterday. I really wish I knew whether or not Liz could still get me pregnant because fuck my IUD makes my period miserable. I bleed so much. SOOOO fucking much. And the cramps are murder. But, fuck, the blood! Yesterday I bled through my pad, and I have to wear pads not because tampons are too risky with how much I bleed, within the two hours it took me to get from home to jj bean. And when I say bled through, I don't mean like, "oh woe is me, there is a tiny amount of blood on my panties", I mean like "holy fuck if I hadn't gone to the washroom right now it would have soaked through my jeans". So, fucking, frustrating and uncomfortable, and I don't even know if it is serving a purpose any more. Liz has been on HRT for a year. It's quite likely that at this points she is shooting blanks (ha). But it is impossible to tell. Well i am sure it is possble, but it would be expensive. So, for us it is impossible to tell. So I remain IUDed. But, I have noticed that lately I have been super exhausted during my period. Uncertain whether it's the sheer epicness of my bleeding or that I may be slightly iron deficient since my diet fell to shit during my depressive period. I was eating popcorn for dinner at least a few nights a week. We are starting to get back on track now though. But, right now, I want to fall asleep. Woke up this morning in a good mood. I had pin curled my hair overnight and when I took them out my hair was crazy in a good way. I did my makeup, ate breakfast while watching mad men, finished getting ready, and by that time I was completely exhausted. James, who was staying overnight, made an offhand comment about being bored and I snapped. I was so irritated. Because I knew he felt like I was in the way of him and Liz hanging out by not leaving (I had been thinking about studying at home), and it pissed me off because it is my home and I was so exhausted and he is always so presumptive and entitled. And I, rather embarrassingly said, "You know what, I am just to go. I'm clearly getting in your way". I had my temper lately. I have such a short fuse. Now I am out studying. Well, clearly not. I am on here. And thinking and feeling a lot. I guess I will sleep well tonight.