GOD DAMN IT FUCKING SHIT!
I should never have replied to M! I sent the message first yesterday, conversation ran till we both went to bed. I didn’t message today, and nothing. So what was the fucking point of her even messaging me in the first fucking place?!?!?! Was it just to try and rub in that she’s actually made progress? Was it a polite “hey fuck you buddy”? Does she actually want to talk again? I don’t fucking know. What I do know is now this shit is screwing with my head and got my heart trying to drag up shit that I don’t want to drag up, at least not right now. My mind is dragging up sad songs on account of it as well. “I Can’t Reach Her Anymore” by Sammy Kershaw and “Lonely Too Long” by Patty Loveless are the main one my stupid mind randomly plays.
I’m so fucking over this. I’m so tired of my mind taking off down paths that aren’t even cleared yet.
Here’s the problem I have with dating at my age (which is nobody’s business on an anonymous site like this.): Girls my own age are jaded and bitter as hell, and they’ve decided to eat their feelings - excessively. This seems to begin around age of 22. If they’re not jaded, bitter whales, they’re anorexic/bulimic and psychotic, or they’re jobless, unmotivated, full of holes and ink and only care about where their next bag o’ weed is coming from and if they’re gonna have to fuck their dealer to get the good shit. The joys of living in a weed legal state - and I’m now realizing it was a mistake to vote for it. And since when is “fat shaming” a thing? Fat people have always been shamed for being fat. It’s ugly, mainly because it’s unhealthy. Don’t believe me? Go google some images of fat people’s internal organs. Heart disease, diabetes, high blood pressure, heart failure, the list goes on folks. But I digress.
Society is fucked. And no, I don’t want to get into a political debate over it. I’ve been sick of hearing the political bellyaching since June of last year. Ya know what, if you don’t like the politics in your country, move to another one, kill yourself, or get off the phone and computer and actually DO something about it. You wanna talk all this political action on Facebook, you’re part of the fucking problem. Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, Snapchat, and all that shit is not accomplishing anything. Get off your ass and ACTUALLY DO something. Or shut the fuck up and live your fucking life. Bunch of fucking cry babies.
S is bugging me to go out tonight. I don’t want to. I have a physically active job, so when I say I’m tired, I’m not just mentally worn out. “But you don’t have to drive.” Yeah, not the point. There’s more to the story on my issue with S, but that’s another entry. One I don’t have the heart or energy to write right now.
Well, this has gone all over the place. Might be a better idea to just OD on Zzzquil and melatonin and sleep through the weekend, with minor awakenings to let the dog out.
On that note, the dog and cat both can tell something’s up. Soon as I start thinking of getting up, the cat comes in, lays on my chest and starts purring loudly. If he doesn’t do it, then it’s the dog come in and fall asleep to the point of snoring with some part of her on me. I’m fine with that, so long as it’s not her ass.
I had a lucid dream about J last night. Made the trip there, we went out, had a great time, we got back to her place, and it got deep. Oddly enough, it was her making the moves. After all the Alyssa and Jessica dreams, I’m not really writing too much into the fact it was her in the dream. I don’t think that’s how a face to face event with her would play out. I could be wrong, but I also don’t want to ask. I’m figuring my brain is using her as a stand in, since right now she’s the only person I’d completely trust. As far as meaning, fuck it. I don’t want to figure it out right now. It’s Friday, I’m completely exhausted, and I’m highly considering being completely lame and going to bed early. Yeah, I might dream, but it’s better than what my mind is doing to me while I’m awake.
I really am my own worst enemy, intentional or not.
EDIT: I also realise I fall for the ones who will never see me that way, and can’t begin to fall for the ones that seem to fall for me. How fucked is that?
Last updated January 21, 2017