M (aka “The Vanishing Act”) up and messaged me out of nowhere last night. No one would be more shocked than I am. I’ve not exactly cut her any slack. I’ve been blunt almost to the point of being rude, I’ve been on the insulting side of brutally honest, including making a point of calling her out on how she’s done me wrong. I’ve not yet gotten an apology or an explanation - something that I would need from her before I can really even begin to say there’s some level of repairs between us. I won’t deny I’ve missed her or wanted to talk to her. I also won’t deny that I’ve very aware this could well be the same damn thing it’s been before. My stupid heart won’t stay outta things again, even though I know this could be more of the same.
I will give her this: She’s FINALLY making progress. My biggest gripe with her before is that she had hit a road block and let her life go stagnant. She was stuck. Same shit job for years under the same shit boss making shit money on shit schedules and just getting trampled. When she and I were talking last time, she actually found somewhere hiring, sacked up and went after it, and got it. She told me last night she’s finally going after her degree. I’m honestly excited for her. I’m happy she’s finally making progress. This is what I wanted for her. To better herself and her life. The fact she dragged her ass so long to get here was annoying. Then, of course, she’d vanish like a fart in the wind.
People like her are why I don’t just jump into bed with any girl who shows interest. I can’t keep my bloody heart out of it. And yes, I’ve tried. I’m a guy. It doesn’t end well for me, so I don’t let it get to that point anymore unless there’s an actual committed relationship. What can I say, I got tired of getting my damn heart broke. There are only 2 girls that I’m friends with (they’re both my best friends) that if they said they wanted me like that, the only delay would be only long enough for me to ask them if they’re sober and sure and get their confirmation.
M and I have been to that level, all but the last time she came back. I’m glad it didn’t get there last time. It does make it a little bit easier to keep her at a distance. But I cannot deny that a part of me is happy we’re talking again and wants it to go right back to how it was, pick up where we left off. The other half of me knows better. The other half of me knows that she’s likely not changed and that her coming back around, things getting intense, and me falling for her all over again is just going to end up the exact same damn way.
I dunno what to do. Part of me wants to tell her to piss off. Part of me wants to tell her to come over. Part of me wants to delete her messages and number, and get completely schnockered to delete her from my mind. Part of me hope she texts again soon. Part of me wants someone else to just show up and make me fall in love for life and forget M, BL, Alyssa, and Jessica.
I’m fucked. I know that. Maybe once I get back on meds, it will be easier. Something’s gotta change. Something’s gotta give.