Motherhood in 2014

I’ve just finished speaking with my Mom, who I haven’t spoken to in over a year. She called me because she wanted to put money in our bank accounts for Christmas.

The last time we spoke I lost my patience with her which caused her to hang up on me. She wanted us to rebuild our relationship. I wanted her to own her poor behavior from the past so that I could forgive her and move forward towards rebuilding our relationship. She told me that there was no need to own her behavior and that I should just get over it because it was a really long time ago and it is in the past. I refused, she refused and we hit a stale mate.

I wanted her to own her behavior and apologize for kicking me out of home when I was 15. Back then she was a raging alcoholic and a stoner. She’s told herself for years that I moved out of home. I honestly believe that she can’t remember what actually happened and has told herself that happy little story to ease her conscious over the years. The reality is she came home in a drunken angry rage. Told me that I was a disappointment, she hated the sight of me and wanted me out of her house by the end of the weekend and by the time she’d returned from her boyfriends house. I spent a year moving around from friends couches, to apartments, to more couches until I was finally placed in a home for abandoned girls.

I have a lot of resentment for how she’s treated me over the years. I’ve worked hard to reconcile, within myself, my mother and her actions for what they are. Those of an addict. However it’s hard to move forward and build a relationship with her. She wants forgiveness without owning her behavior and accepting the role she played. She wants forgiveness without first saying sorry.

Anyways… So a year later she rings me to tell me she wants to send me money for Christmas. Her health is bad. 40 years of smoking has resulted in issues with her lungs and heart. Her BMI is unhealthily low, a result of years spent replacing food with alcohol.

She asked me why I don’t keep in touch with any family members. I told her that I was tired of being there for everyone else when no one is there for me.
Example: My Uncle was living with my Mum. He mistakenly threw out a frozen bag of prawn heads that my Mum had been saving to make stock. So she lost her temper at him. In return he stole from her. In return she filed a police report and threw him out of her house. Then they both rang me. Like I don’t have my own stuff going on…
Example: When my Nana died my Mum asked me to go visit her body. So I rang (another) Uncle to ask if I could go visit. My Uncle got upset because I was “cold” to him on the phone. This is the same Uncle that tried to punch my partner on our front lawn 18 years ago. Honestly, they’re all ridiculous and I’ve had enough of them all.

She finally asked about me & my daughter but she didn’t want to listen for very long. She’d much rather talk even though she forgets what she was talking about half way through. I did manage to tell her that her granddaughter is 16 and has just gotten her drivers licence and is saving for her first car. So if she does send the money it will probably go towards driving lessons.

Conversations with her are exhausting. I’m glad they don’t happen very often.