Sometimes, parental pride. in (W)hole

Not mine, though. My own parents’. My parents and I don’t exactly get along. My mom is alright, she’s a nice lady most of the time. But she has had to put up with my psychotic, verbally and emotionally abusive father for like 35 years now. 32? Yeah, that sounds right. lol… anyways, my dad has a SERIOUS anger issue, and he didn’t beat us or anything dramatic (although I did get spanked when I was younger, and I got smacked upside the head a few times as a teenager) but he would have these fits, stomping his feet and swearing and screaming and spitting and banging on things or throwing things, he was frightening. I guess he probably still is. He doesn’t handle stress well, and he would get so upset with me (rarely my mom and rarely my brother, mostly just me..haha) that he would lose his shit. My mom used to say things like “It’s because he loves you! He just doesn’t know how to show you that he cares, he’s trying to tell you he cares.” Pfffffffffffffft. I got the distinct impression, often, that I was not what my dad had in mind when he envisioned having a daughter, or having children at all.

Anyways. All my life I’ve sort of ignored them, as a whole. I avoided my father and just passively accepted my mother’s presence for the most part. We sometimes hung out on the weekends and did things together like go shopping and to lunch, or whatever. Anyhow, when my parents moved and literally abandoned me, I didn’t make a lot of effort to keep in touch, and neither did they. We talked on holidays and occassionally just to say hi and check in, but mostly they had no idea what was going on in my life, and I had very little idea about what they were up to.

Since I’ve moved here, my parents have been sorta in my grill. It’s irritating, and I really don’t appreciate it. My dad is the worst. He texts me all the time and tries to tell me how to parent my kids, constantly tells me what I should be doing and makes it sound like the ONLY possible option. I don’t really listen to him, but he carries on. It’s not really my idea of a good time. But every now and then something happens, like the last time my mom came to visit, she says to me, while shaking her head, “I was telling my friends at work about how you had to drive down to the McDonald’s at night once the kids were in bed to use their free wifi to do your Master’s classes online, and they were so impressed.” Just out of nowhere, she says something like this and it just… hits me.

She does care. She is proud of me. She does think I’m doing a good job, that I turned out alright. She doesn’t think I’m a horrible daughter, that she fucked up and ruined me, that I’m a disappointment anymore.

I don’t know why it matters, because her opinion has always meant little to me. She’s always been sort of old fashioned and silly, and tolerable. But we were never close, I never had much respect for her… (she once told me that she would have been upset if I’d married a black man, because she would worry about our kids).. but somehow I’m still glad that she sees what I’m doing, she sees me, and she’s proud.