reality check. the i'm-hiding-behind-a-reality-check edition. in crawling into 2014.

I had some horrible news on Saturday. News I've been expecting for fourteen years but also news that I had decided wouldn't really happen. I've been trying to write it but couldn't quite open the "write" option. So, I'm hiding behind a reality check.

WHERE: in my living room. Libby is refusing to sleep and Lyf, who hasn't been well this week, it's watching cbeebies.

WEARING: you'll be shocked and awed! From bottom to top: CAT boots, odd socks, jeans, spotty underpants, blue tunic top with add orange dream catcher design, purple gap hoodie, white bra plus jewellery.

FITNESS UPDATE: Running has reached one and a half miles. After my tonsilitis running its much harder than before!

IN THE NEWS: the French president has a new girlfriend. Apparently this ifs a big deal!

READING: everything I can to stop me from thinking.

ACTIVITIES TODAY: breastmates started again today. We're back in our original building but without all the resources, I took plates and cups so that we could have cake... I forgot a knife though!! In an hour we'll go to school to join in with Lila's storytime.

THINKING ABOUT: the phone call. One of the problems is that, out of all the people I read and who read me now, none (except one sporadic reader) are from my original time here. None of you remember the amazing job that I loved so much when I lived in London.

I was there because the mum had cancer and they wanted continuity of care for their kids as she was in and out of hospital. The kids were 16 months and 4 years old! and I called them K and L (respectively). L is now 21 and K it's nearly 18. After 17 years the cancer finally took over and their mum died a week ago today. She (and the whole family) were such a huge part of my life and we never lost touch. Both my girls have visited them. The visits have been less as K and La kids got older and had other things that they wanted to do.

I've read through my old diary and found some excerpts to write here so you can see first hand.

"They are such a large part of my life (the whole family, not just the kids). They make me feel alive. They make me want to run and sing at the top of my voice (which I regularly do!), and they make me want to protect something other than me for the first time ever! Looking after them has helped a lot in the maturing of ermen! So many things I was intolerant of once, seems so anal now! Let me tell you, K and L are ANYTHING but angels, they disobey me ALL the time, they constantly fight, scream at each other, tell tales on each other. But they're also very giving in other ways. They're fun to chat with (Lucas on the subject of love.... "Yes, well. I'm in love with Rebecca and... ummm... what's her name again???? err.... oh yes, Ciara,"!!!!). That boy has a different girl each week, although he has kissed Rebecca (don't tell anyone because he told me in secret...) and when he was 4, his girlfriend at the time ended it because he wouldn't kiss her. He really was heartbroken as well!!!! To learn about heartache at such a young age! Poor boy :-)"

"My bosses were funny yesterday. Alan was going to have his haircut. Now let me just say he is slightly receading... He wanted to have a number one, but Caroline said he couldn’t. I piped up (against my better judgement) "I think bald men are sexy," and Caroline said, "Well I don’t. We may not have the worlds most exciting sex life, but we won’t have one at all if you shave your hair off!!" I decided that was my time to make a quick exit! They make me laugh. There’s is the best marriage I have ever witnessed and I have taken a few pieces of advice from Caroline. The most important being why you like someone. She said "You only have to like the basic model. You don’t have to like the extras, but you have to accept them. Their relationship is based on trust, acceptence and understanding. That is how I would like any relationship I am in to be too."

"I took on a temporary nanny job. Two or three months to look after two little children because their mother had just been diagnosed with breast cancer. I fell in love with those kids straight away, and within a couple of weeks I was just another family member. I ended up staying with them throughout the chemo and radiotherapy. There were some black days when her moral would hit rock bottom, but between us we kept the kids lives just like normal. As though there was nothing odd about mummy going to hospital all the time. She recieved the all clear in Feb 1998 but I stayed. My days were dropped down to two a week and I went to look after H. From my original two months with K and L, I am now coming up to two years."

PLANNING: I'm so scared of the funeral. I've never been to one on my own before and I don't know what the kids will want/expect from me. Of course I remember our time together as though it were yesterday but for them it's a different lifetime, a distant memory. Do I walk up to them and hug them or not? And I know I will burst into tears. I'm hardly keeping it together most of the time as it is. And those kids that I wanted to protect so much, how can I protect them from this? I just don't know. They'll always be my babies even though they don't know this. A good friend offered to come with me but it isn't that I need someone with me, I just need to know what to do.

My poor, sweet babies.