Wow.
Last I was on here was 2014. I miss the OD days. I feel like I might not have been as absent if that had not come to close.
Lately though, I feel like I have too many thoughts for my own head.
I got a new computer desk today, the last two and a half years I’ve sat on my floor with my monitor on the top of the desktop, which kills my back. So now I’m comfortable and makes me feel like writing.
I can’t write what’s been happening with me, it seems like heaps, but at the same time nothing has really changed with me. Still working in a call centre, training noobs. Teaching classes at gym and bodybuilding.
I think this is maybe what urged me to get back on here. The fact that the years go by and I seem to segregate myself more and more. The worst thing about this is that I don’t really see it as a problem.
I reread my last entry from two years ago and I mentioned that Brendon had got married and we were all G, would not go back there and I was happy for him to be married.
We had an affair. We got so close again that I could no longer stand him leaving my house to return back with his wife, so he left. The night he told her it was done she threw a pregnancy test at him. She “took care of it”, sometimes I think purely to hold it over his head. It worked nonetheless. He turned distant from me, and eventually he went back to her. Yet again.
That makes 7 years of my life, I’ve ran back to that guy, who has left his girlfriend/wife for only to return back her months later. She still takes him back every time.
I don’t see him anymore. He got made redundant from work. Was the best thing to happen. She is still at work, she refuses to acknowledge that I’m a human being, which pisses me off to no end, but he only other option to blaming me is to blame her husband. There’s no way she could stay if she fully understood the situation.
That was probably a year and a half ago, and up until recently, I had not slept with anyone else. I am more than happy to spend all my time with myself, I’m fiercely independent and have no want for another half.
I don’t think I fully let it go and I just subconsciously still compare people to him. Lately I’ve realised I’ve let myself get too independent. I want a family! I really do, but I honestly can’t see myself with anyone at all. I’ve felt a pressure that I’m very close to 30 and really would like to settle down at some stage.
My anxiety has been worse the last year. I don’t know if it’s related to me being so much more introverted than what I used to be.
I have been aware of it for the last few months and I am trying to push myself out of my comfort zone. Baby steps.
I’m going to try and write here more.
Loading comments...