I have been feeling like I’m in the middle of a storm cloud for a week now, and it just won’t lift. It will eventually. But for now…
One contributing factor is that Hoopie no longer wants to be in communication with me, at his girlfriend’s request. Can’t say I didn’t see it coming, but I didn’t think it would feel so crappy. It’s not like we are close anymore, I just liked to catch up with him once in awhile. It irks me. It hurts a little. It makes sense. But now I’m thinking about him and our relationship a lot, and that is a pretty dark cloud around me.
I keep thinking about all the crazy shit I put up with in our relationship. Not with blame or regret towards either one of us, more in a kind of awe, and some sadness. It makes it feel stranger that I feel loss right now. I just had overwhelming relief when we broke up, what is it, nearly 5 years ago now? Or is it 4? I’m not even sure. And now I’m sad? What?
It’s making me think about a bigger thing, which is how sometimes I really miss being in love. I feel kind of stupid saying that–I have two amazing men in my life that I really care for and love in their own ways. I have beautiful friendships that fill me up and give me life and comfort, support and care. But sometimes, I just wish. I just wish I could be in that crazy kind of love again that I’ve only been in once. I don’t even know why I crave it! It was pretty all consuming in a way that could be really challenging.
I’ve been having this weird floaty mental reaction lately, even before Hoopie’s email, when I see sweet love stories in tv relationships or even in my real life friends. It’s this “I wish I wanted that” feeling which seems a little insane to me. Accompanied by “that would be so much easier than what I’m doing.” It’s weird to me because it’s not even “I want that,” it’s I WISH I wanted that. And also, what I’m doing isn’t hard, so why does my involuntary monkey brain think that monogamous, “can’t breathe without you” love would be easier? I know it has something to do with how comfortable and reliable it can be, but I also know that there are no guarantees and all relationships have their challenges.
In a sense, I do want the crazy in love thing, but I also know I don’t want the rest of that story. The marriage and kids and house in the burbs thing. (A theme more consistent in media than among my friends, but still.) I’m wondering if it’s my conditioning around the prince charming myth that is causing me to have this response. I know that my loneliness has something to do with it.
Going deeper, I think, is in itself, the bigger culprit. As I get more and more into my meditation practice, accompanied with therapy, I’m feeling a lot of darkness. I’m feeling heavy. And BOY am I feeling aversion and desire. Every minute it seems. At work, I don’t want to work. At home, I don’t want to do anything. In my car, I’m constantly wanting to stop and buy junk food to munch on as I drive around the tri-county. I drink a beer or two most nights even though I don’t even really want to. I just am CRAVING something DIFFERENT and something MORE and a way to FILL UP. But as the Dharma among other great teachings inform, there is NO WAY TO FILL IT. It is just what it is to be human. Ugh. I feel sick. Baby steps.
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