It's been a long time. in Give Me Mercy and a Minute now. I'm a bleed a little poison out.

So I know I haven’t really written much lately. Hell, I have tried. I can’t count the times I have opened this window and started an entry and then just…no words could come. No idea where to start. What to say. Hell, I never thought my life would go this way. I have had such confidence in my ability to endure and strive forward. And I am not going to lie there have been many times I have felt like giving up and shit. All this shit with my so called family…Fuck em. I will take care of the shit I need to take care of and work on getting out of here. It’s merely a matter of time. At any rate my life is a god damn mess.

I doubt everything. I don’t know how to make shit happen or what to even do. I am undeniably overwhelmed. I want to give up, but I know that that would be a bigger shot to me than anything else. I can’t allow myself to be compromised. I need to maintain some degree of knowing who I am. Even if it feels like everything is against me and trying to make me falter at every god damn turn. Every turn has a new kick in the teeth but so be it.

There is a part of me that wants to start with all the family bullshit and another part that wants to just go on about what am I supposed to do and various other parts. Part of me wants to comment on the damn political state of things, and the cops and the race things and all the shit. Then there’s the recent posts about the Carbon levels. Which for the record…man’s ego is showing again. And there are work things and…really there is just so much and yet I have no idea what to say.

I, to my core, am completely exhausted. So there’s that.

I don’t think I posted about having seen her awhile back. Surprised her at a little local CC. She was mid interview and was certainly surprised. So …a thing happened lol.

I do wish I could be closer to her and see her whenever she wished or whenever there was something to do we could go together. Living this far away is....frustrating. I do worry sometimes. I worry that I am holding her back or that she’ll find someone else that interests her more or what have you. It worries me sometimes, but at the same time I have an odd trust of her. Idk. I sound weird. It is likely just my exhaustion and how things have gone for me lately that is making me worry. But I do wish I could see her regularly.

So, work tomorrow…and just continue on. Day by day. And hope for the best. Figure something out as it comes. Gotta have faith in myself.

King out. I hope I can write regularly. Or figure out what to even say.

My apologies.