The need + check in in (W)hole

Man, I have been seriously feeling the need to write lately. I used to blog on OpenDiary, and I spent like 10-14years or something like that doing so. I recorded all of Kasin’s firsts, his entire life was in there… and then Milo, and all my moves and previous relationships, I wrote in it SO frequently, too.. at some points in time I would write in my OD like 2-3 times PER DAY. I think I have an unnatural need to communicate with people, to talk, to unload, to vent.. I don’t know. I stopped blogging so frequently when it became easier to talk to real people from wherever I was and whatever I was doing.. I could text people, post on Facebook, Facebook chat, etc etc..

Lately, I don’t know what it is… but I feel like I’m just annoying people and the people who aren’t annoyed by me aren’t around as often, and it leaves me wanting to blog again, or write. Man, some day I might actually write. Wouldn’t it be great if I someday finished something, and got it published? and made money doing it? HMM!

Highly unlikely, but still. I never even really talk about writing anymore. I want to write a bit of a memoir, but embellish it so that it’s not quite “true,” just to make it more interesting. I imagine it would be funny and touching and a little tragic. But that’s probably not enough to actually get published and actually get money out of it. I could always self-publish something, if I ever finished it… See what happens there maybe.

I’ve started writing a few different things, including a faux-memoir, and a young adult novel. I feel like the genre is a bit weak, and it is one that meant a lot to me as a kid. I read a lot of life-changing YA novels in middle and high school. I want to sort of be a part of that.

Man I’ve been hating my job lately. I want to run far far away. I don’t want to ever see another child again. lol… honestly, I feel like my own life can’t even start until my kids are out of my house. I feel so lost and unstable, and it’s so much harder with them, and I feel bad about it FOR them, because they deserve more… and I just don’t have time to think about what I want to do or find time to do things I enjoy… and I feel a lot of guilt over all of it, but I just want to fast forward to being selfish and independent and only having to worry about myself.

If I could meet some nice rich gentleman, I would have some more kids and work as a substitute teacher a few days a week, write novels, join gyms and play groups and shit. That sounds amazing. I hate working. I mean, every damned day!? Ugh. I need a sugar daddy. Anyone nice.

Whatever, this is all so random.

I never really mentioned how things have turned out since my last entry, which I just re-read and it made me blush. Sometimes I’m a whack job. Anyhow, we spend 4 nights in hotels when we got here and it was a nightmare, but then we got into our apartment and we’ve been doing okay. Working, making firneds, school started for the kids, Milo is in KINDERGARTEN! Like a big kid! And Kasin is in 6th, and seems to be doing fine making friends and getting along in school. He’s making a solid effort to be a good student this year, but I’ve been a bit of a slacker, not checking his bag and his planner and such. I need to sign his planner every day, but I never remember to do it :-X I’ve been emailing his teacher though to make sure he’s not trying to be a punk like last year, and she says he’s been going well. You never really know if what the kid says is true. lol

Milo has a couple friends at Daycare and at least one at school but overall he just wants to hang on me all day every day. It’s funny what traits turn out to be genetic… Milo’s fear of water and his shut-in tendencies are all his dad. His loud voice and ADHD are mine contributions. The kid is a mess. lol

So things are alright. My job is a job. The management sucks and I hate my bosses, but the job is going well and the kids in my class are alright. I only have a few kids, typically 10 or 11 every day. Ugh, same shit, different place. I can’t fathom working this summer after how tough this year is gunna be. Teachers DESERVE that time off, but I won’t be able to take it because I’m gunna be so broke.

The dogs are NOT happy being apartment dwellers. Poor girls. I feel awful for them. They need something fenced, somewhere to run around.. but there is nowhere for them to go play, and the few times I’ve let Cookie off her leash to run around a bit, there have been people complain because there are leash laws. She ran up to one dog who was walking by the other day and her owner FREAKED OUT even though they just sniffed each other and said hi.

My grad classes are progressing nicely, I’ve gotten ONE B and I might get one more for this current class, but it’s not a bad grade considering I am a horrible student. I don’t do any of the readings, I just bullshit my way through all the discussion boards and whip the essays up the night that they’re due. It works out, though. I should be done in April or so, and I can’t WAIT. Almost half-way there. The school year always seems to zoom by, even though each day drags out forever.

Alright, I’m out of words. See you next time.