Week 1 of School in 2016: The Year of New Beginnings

I just finished a first full week of school. I don’t even know what to say – ha! Everything is new. Everything is an adjustment, and it might take a few months. I feel a mix of emotions through the days. Excitement at the new interesting stuff I’m learning. Overwhelm at the sheer volume of everything there is to read. A bit of constant low-grade anxiety at the new format of grad school, which is mainly about reading and discussion in small groups, which means a constant pushing of the ol’ comfort zone. Delight also at the unstructured environment, which has always suited me better I think, because I don’t have to answer to anyone about how I use my time as long as I do what I need to, which I am. And also some more excitement because all of this reading and talking can only lead you to the ultimate you: someone who can really truly express herself well, aloud, on matters she finds close to her heart. That’s amazing. But that lady, I feel, is so far down the line, and so I try to stay in the moment, and I try to take it one day at a time.

It has also been hard because my grandfather died, and I’ve been away. My whole family is together in Greece, grieving together, and doing everything together, and I am tired of being away. It has also been hard because I feel a constant “homesickness” I never have, never did, for a long time. I don’t know why I have it now, but it’s very difficult. I keep thinking how much easier my life would be if I was near family. How much easier getting a PhD would be with close family support. But that is the challenge of the path I chose – growing away from everyone. It is sad, and it gets to me at times, and I question what I am doing, of course. And I want to quit and go back. But it’s just not time yet maybe … or maybe I’m just not listening to my heart. I’ve been in therapy this year, and the therapist noticed I have a lot of black-and-white thinking … which makes sense. I see it now that she has pointed out. It’s like a decision is either right or wrong, and if I have chosen the wrong path, I am just going along on the wrong path and “ruining my life” … but that maybe isn’t how life works. Maybe it’s about the path being twisted, not straight, and doing your best as you go on it … maybe there are multiple forces that pull you in different directions, and each path holds different delights and different disadvantages, but neither is better than the other …

What I do know is that it all feels new. Last night the newness was hard. I had to read some articles and get ready for class this morning, class with a prof who has a reputation for being demanding, and “what if I can’t think of anything to say? ever? what if I have no thoughts? Ever?” My insecurities are cute later when I think back to them. This morning I went to class and the prof asked a question to start off the discussion, and right away, I answered it so I don’t waste time anxious and feel like I participated right away. And it worked. It built my confidence. And I had other thoughts too throughout. Just like I had thoughts in grad school interviews. And in my lab work. And on my jobs. And in my life! So why would I not have thoughts now? Because it’s new. And it’s OK. This is the part where I miss being around family so much … moments like this, you talk it out, your family loves you and hugs you and everything is OK. Now I don’t have that. I have to go through this massive new thing alone, because there are only so many times I can burden my friends with these feelings, I feel.

All in good time. Everything will be OK. Every new adjustment is new. It’s a time for self-compassion and self-love. <3

Love,
me