This is copied and pasted from an entry I wrote last week and then it would not post...
I have turned in to one of those people that only writes about her child.
6 Weeks ago my life changed when this sweet little girl was born. I love Mommyhood so much. And the love that this sweet baby brings to my life is amazing. She started smiling around 5 weeks I believe. Its not consistent but its amazing. Sometimes when she wakes up (if she isnt starving) she will smile at me when I walk over and talk to her. Some of them are at random times when I am talking to her. I just love it so much. Also, just a couple of days ago she started coo-ing when I talk to her. That is very sweet as well.
I have been struggling with post partum depression. I have a history of anxiety so I knew that I was at a greater risk for it anyways. Giving birth is a tricky thing...I wish I knew how tricky it is. The first couple of days in the hospital, when you have the support, you feel great. Then about 4 days in the weepy feelings set in...And youre at home by youself. I cried a lot the first two weeks which I attributed to hormones being crazy. I had a follow up at the OB and figured that it was just everything regulating and that I would feel better soon. After that feeling passed, I did feel a little better for a little bit. Then post partum set in and I just cried all the time. I cant completely describe my feelings but mainly I feel lonely. I can be surrounded by people that I love and feel completely alone. And, trapped. I feel trapped in my life. Theyre awful feelings. No matter what I did and who I spent time with I could not make myself feel better. I called a doctor and got a prescription for zoloft, 50mgs. Apparently that is the lowest dose, so they are watching me weekly for a few weeks to see if I need to go up to 100. I have also been having crazy anxiety about something happening to me and nobody being able to take care of Piper and stuff like that. The doctor prescribed me attivan to take as needed until the zoloft kicks in completely. I have not taken it yet because I dont know how it will affect me and she told me not to drive while on it. I usually go out and do something when I am anxious. We shall see.
In happier news, we had Piper's first Christmas. She got some clothes and some toys. Not a crazy amount of stuff but that is good...we dont have space to store it all. Christmas was weird this year. I was not in to it because of all the baby stuff going on. My Mom wasnt able to do much shopping because she is so weak and tired and not feeling good. It was just weird. Sal and i ended up getting in a big fight on Christmas morning and he didnt come to CT. Its a long and frustrating story but I have anxiety when I cant get a hold of people. I always have. I have gotten better over the years but I still have it. So, I talked to him on Christmas eve at 4:30. I sent him a text at 8 and never heard back. I called at 11:30 before bed and he didnt answer. I figured he was either at his work christmas party or sleeping and didnt worry. I texted him to call me when he got it and went to bed. When I was up with Piper in the middle of the night I called a couple of times and texted him a couple of times. I didnt hear anything. By about 6 AM I was starting to freak out. He never sleeps through the night. By like 10 I started to drive the 2 hours from my parents house back to our apartment to check and see if he was okay. I was pretty sure that he was dead at that point. I was playing through the scenario of walking in the apartment and finding him dead in bed. He called me about 1/2 way through my drive. He had turned his ringer off and gone to sleep because he wasnt feeling good. My Mom ended up calling him and ripping him a new one about being responsible etc. So, he ended up not coming to CT because he was pissed at me for worrying, he was embarrassed about being yelled at by my Mom, and he wasnt feeling good (and my Mom cant be around sick people). It was a super shitty way to spend Christmas morning but thankfully Piper is only a month old and she wont remember.
I got to spend a few days with my family but it was hard to be away from Sal with all of that going on. I saw a few friends and got to show my sweet girl off. We didn't do anything for New Years but all three of us were able to watch the ball drop together and got midnight kisses!
I will be back soon!
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