A Dear You...that I probably shouldn't write. in Give Me Mercy and a Minute now. I'm a bleed a little poison out.

I know I shouldn’t write this one. I plan to write quite a few more, as I am planning on moving my entire life away from here and everything here except for my best friends.

So let’s first start with a PSA about this post. This isn’t something I am writing out of love or pain, maybe a little bit of hurt, but I don’t care now. But it just is something that while I was sitting around thinking, probably too much, popped into my brain and I am curious honestly.

Dear you,
I doubt you’ll ever read this. actually, I think you will. I think I am the type of person you can not forget. I believe I have made such an impact on your life that it is impossible for you to go too long without my existence popping into your mind. Whether it be something random you see that reminds you of me, or if you are having a bad day and realize that the person you always went to isn’t there anymore. And that’s not my doing, that’s yours.
I just would like to understand. How is it that you message me one day, talking about how you missed me. Or that you knew I wouldn’t turn you away. Telling me all this shit about how he beats you, abuses you, your dog, threatens your family. Controls you. Isolates you. That you hate him. That he has physically assaulted you. All of this shit, and yet you disappear again, and actually do marry him.
How is it that you message me first, and when he discovers you messaging me, he somehow believes that I initiated it?
The moment you said ‘I do’ is the moment you threw away the relationship that you and I had.
And you know, I do worry. I don’t want to say about you, but it’s true. I worry about you. I wanted you to be happy. I wanted you to be safe. And I am not convinced that you are truly happy or safe. That’s not based on anything from my side, that is based on what you told me and how you behaved. And yet you still said “I do.”
And I am leaving. I am moving far away from this place. Not terribly terribly far…like across the country, but a few states away, yeah. What is going to happen when you message me? I believe the day will come, that you do. When I am not in a position to help you. Or if I would even be willing to.
My mother mentioned going to the Graves Mountain Festival the other day, and I said I would be happy to go…if we are still in the area at the time. And then I realized....you would likely be there, with him. I thought to myself how would I even react. I am positive that you wouldn’t come to me. I believe you would see me, and put that same shameful face of yours on. You’d hide your face. And he would likely notice. Then again he may not. He doesn’t seem to be the brightest of kids. Nor the most attentive. What if you couldn’t help yourself and ran to hug me. Would you make it the whole way or realize that you ran from your husband to me and stop? How would I react to any of those situations? I’m not really the type to be overtly mean. Even if I dislike you, there’s no point for me to be a dickhead. Though…I am very capable and actually very good at it when I deem it necessary.
But last time I messaged you, I asked for an update because it was a few days away from the suspected wedding day, which I was right about, and he responds for you telling me that I don’t get the message. So I told him you told me he beats you. There are 1 of 2 things going on and neither of them bode well for that relationship
1. He actually beats you and you still said “I do.” That’s not the type of girl you used to be. You had fire. A spark. Not so submissive. And yet there you are beaten into submission. Said I do when I told you that things aren’t good between me and you, but I would still help you out of that situation, because I don’t want that for you…or ANYBODY for that matter.
2. You are lying to me about your husband abusing you, your dogs, and threatening your family. AND YOUR LIFE. About him putting a god damn gun to your head. Pointing it at your dog. Telling you that if you left him that he would kill your family. If he isn’t doing that, then I feel bad for the guy, because you are lying about serious shit to someone about him. For what? That doesn’t show much confidence in the relationship. It shows that you don’t put much value in the man you married.

I went to the parade in Madison today to see my nephew in it, and I was constantly scanning the lines of people on the side of the road. Almost terrified of seeing you, because I have no idea how I would react.

I don’t know. Very mixed feelings in regards to you. I mean…I am fine whatever. I don’t care, but at the same time I did care, and if I ever cared, I still want you happy, and all you told me makes me concerned that you’re not.

If there’s a song of these you should listen to it is this one “Sorry For It All”