Not all who wander are lost in Safety Net

I am though. Completely and totally lost. I’ve felt angry, and sad, and just completely hopeless since my brother died. It’s coming up on two years now. I really thought at some point my life would start to even out again. That I would find some sort of purpose. I feel like a video that is stuck buffering. My life just won’t load.

I’ve been trying to change things up too. I took a new job. It was still retail, but it was somewhere new. I was offered assistant manager within two weeks. I was going to get my pharmacy technician license and least do something halfway important. I worked there for a month before going back to the gas station. The other employees were driving me crazy. They were lazy and nosy and just plain stupid.

I’ve been trying to be more healthy. I’m down 40 pounds as of Monday. I still have a ways to go, but I feel a lot better. Physically anyway. Emotionally, obviously not. I also finally started my memorial tattoo. I couldn’t decide on a design, but I finally met with an artist (he’s amazing) and we’ve done one session. The second session was supposed to be this coming weekend, but I now have cellulitis it my legs and had to postpone the tattoo. All of the work I’ve been doing to get healthy and I get fucking cellulitis. It took me a week to figure out that’s what it is too. I thought it was a bad sunburn initially. My brother had muscular dystrophy. That’s what killed him. But the final blow that his body couldn’t fight anymore was edema and cellulitis. My grandpa passed a couple of months ago. He was 87 and had a lot of health problems. His final big issue? Yep, cellulitis. Granted I’m healthier than either of them were and it’s responding well to treatment. I’ll be fine. But it’s not exactly helping my mental well being right now.

I’ve also been trying to patch things up with my dad. It’s going slowly, but well (I think). The biggest problem is that we’re so much alike. Obviously there are things we don’t agree on (politics, religion, etc). We’ve been through a lot together. But we’re both extremely stubborn. We also both know we can tell each other anything, but don’t want to be the one to take the first step. I finally did it. I needed his help. You see, since I can’t get my tattoo worked on this weekend, my dad and I are going gun shopping instead.

Yes, you read that right. I’m getting a handgun. Things have been… interesting for me lately. I’m not going to go into details here (although venting would probably be helpful) because this is hardly a secure place. But the time has come for me to be able to defend myself and I finally decided, who better to help me with a bunch of drug dealers than a former drug dealer.

Which brings me to my real reason for this entry. I know I don’t write often. I only have my two regular readers. I may actually do this on Facebook as well, but I haven’t decided yet. It’s time for a change. I’m 32 years old. I’ve been working retail since I graduated from college. This was never my plan for my life. I can’t use my degree, but I really can’t afford to go back to school. Vocational school is a maybe, but what would I do? Seriously, that’s my question. What do I do with my life? What are my skills? I mean real skills…what am I good at? I need real answers. I considered getting my EMT/EMS certificate. I’ve been around the medical field my entire life. But I just don’t think I could do it anymore. Not after the past couple of years. Nursing would be out for the same reason.

Here’s what I’ve got:

I perform well under pressure
I can read people/situations well
I can talk to people
Good observational skills
I’m used to being on my feet all day
I’m good with computers
I enjoy learning new skills

I feel like I’m filling out a job application. Seriously though. I have all of this customer service experience because I’m not qualified for anything else. What are my marketable skills? What am I good at? I don’t want to be stuck in retail for the rest of my life. At least when my brother was alive, I had a purpose (even if it was just taking care of him). Now I’m a glorified babysitter making sure a bunch of teenagers work instead of text (or play Pokémon Go all night) and lock up before I go home. I am completely inconsequential. I leave you hoping you answer my pleas for answers and some Tolkien:

All that is gold does not glitter,
Not all those who wander are lost;
The old that is strong does not wither,
Deep roots are not reached by the frost.
From the ashes a fire shall be woken,
A light from the shadows shall spring;
Renewed shall be blade that was broken,
The crownless again shall be king.

Last updated July 13, 2016