A lot has happened and I’ve been so awful about writing here lately. I really want to get back into writing weekly. I’m kind of upset with myself that I’ve failed at that.
Many weeks ago now, Jayson came home from work and said that his company had posted that they were looking for a new production manager at their facility in Oxnard, California. He asked me if I thought he should apply and I said sure. Nothing to lose in applying. Neither of us thought he had any chance. It’s a big jump from his current role as the 3rd shift supervisor to managing a whole production plant.
I remember he said something to me like, “Make sure you’re OK with this because if they offer me the job things could move quickly.” I told him I was fine with it.
A week after he applied, he had a phone interview. Two days later they flew him out to Oxnard to meet with people face to face, and less than two weeks after he applied, he was officially offered the job and we suddenly had to deal with relocating to the other side of the country. He warned me it would happen fast.
It’s all good things. Really amazing for us actually. He more than doubles his paycheck. The company is paying 100% of our moving expenses. And Oxnard is less than 50 miles from where Rachel lives. But the scary part is just having to make all these changes all at once.
Jayson is already gone. He’s been living and working out there for two weeks now. I flew out last weekend and we went apartment searching together. Rachel joined us. It’s expensive to find a place with four bedrooms, but I have to keep telling myself that I guess we can afford it now. We have a few possible places picked out already, but I’m not going to move out with the kids until we have a definitive place to live.
Fortunately the school year literally just ended, and I don’t have to worry about taking the girls out of school in the middle of the year.
I hate being away from Jayson though. I’ve been stressed out and crying about it a lot.
I wasn’t sure that I even wanted to write this part here, but I will. I’m very sexually frustrated right now without him. And that doesn’t make sense because he’s only been gone two weeks and we maybe might have had sex once in that time if he was here. But I’m having a hard time with the fact that he’s not here if I want sex, and I struggle a lot with the fear of what I am capable of when I’m craving sex and can’t have it. I started watching soft core porn late at night and playing with myself and then moved on to hard core. I feel really guilty about that. I haven’t watched porn in almost two years and I was happy with myself that I had broken free of that habit. I’ve gone back to seeing my therapist twice a week, and would probably see her everyday if I could. If it wasn’t for mom duties, which I’m really grateful for, I honestly think I might be out doing something I’d regret forever. I hate the fact that I feel this way. I hate that sex is so important to me. Ugh, typing this just made me cry.
I’ll update more as we move. I’m excited about it, I swear I am.
Loading comments...