Sadness, clutter and pizza. in Life

I’m sad today - but I had a brilliant time last night!

I went out on the town last night and had a great time. Friends, Sushi, goodness. Talked a LOT, which was also nice. Hammered out a few things in my head. Had a bit too much vodka (which was prefaced with gin), a donut that didn’t really help, and Sushi in between. Oh, and then there were the friends all over - peppered - talking, it was good. Very good! Hoping to catch up with one of them next week sometime when she’s back in town (heading down to Cali to visit her hubs for the weekend, and I’m busy until then).

I’m busy, so why am I sad?

It’s weird. I’m getting a wall of “don’t talk to me” from my Ex. She hasn’t said anything to me, but I can just tell…I can FEEL it from her. Today I wrote her quickly to let her know I had her CC that was missing. She thanked me, we exchanged another quick note about it, and then I asked her how the kitty kids were doing, and her. Nothing after. Okay, fine, point taken. I won’t talk to you anymore about ANYTHING. Jesus. Just fucking tell me you don’t want to have anything to do with me, and that the cats are now yours and that I should just fuck off, and I will. Don’t be a wall of silence and act all weird with me - I don’t do well with that shit.

Anyway…I have a huge pizza I bought for today, as I was expecting Her to come over, but She is sad today, too - and doesn’t feel she’d be good company. Her choice, it makes me sad, but that’s just how it is. So, I think I’ll freeze half the pizza and make the other half - I saw on the box it said I could freeze it…brilliant!

I’ve been cleaning up some clutter here and there, took out the recycling, etc. So exciting, I know!

.............

The other day, She and I got into a text conversation about how She can never take any time off. Her mom got sick and she had to use up all her time off for FMLA. This happens to lots of people - I remember it happening more often than you’d believe when I worked in HR years ago. It sucks, but it happens. So, now she can’t take any trips anywhere. I’d like for her to be able to go somewhere with me, but she can’t. So, I’m going to try to plan something with another friend. I have one who’d love to go to Vegas, and another that I found out last night also would love to go to Vegas with me. Maybe I could make that a road trip? I’m not sure how far the drive is, but I should look - that would be a blast. I’d just need to find someone I totally trust to watch the kitty kids while I’m gone. Since one is older (she’s about 14), has bad teeth and only eats wet food (primarily - though lately she’s taken to mowing down on the dry, and if she’s not throwing it up, I’m fine with that and kind of prefer it), I have to have someone here at least twice a day to feed her.

Anyhow…She was talking to me about how she always has to work, and it’s always been that way, and how people who have money who can just take time off because they inherited it are frustrating to her. She’s married to someone who got an inheritance and has been able to take ample time off, while she slaves away, and now I’m in the same boat, sort of.

It kind of pissed me off, at first, as she pretty much told me I haven’t been working at all on anything since I moved out here, and it’s always excuse after excuse as to why I’m not in the office getting things done.

In October, I was working on a huge purchase - and had been since June, and it took up SO MUCH OF MY TIME. To the point where I was missing doing things with friends because I’d be sitting at my laptop for 6 hours a day pricing things. God that was horrible. Now I have all this product that I need to move, and first I have to inventory it and make sure I have it so that I can actually move it. That’s been a nightmare, too, as some of the product that is supposed to be factory new is actually NOT.

Anyway, we had everything in storage until March…around the 22nd, I believe. We pulled enough out to do a Show (the Ex and I), but it was hard to get to much of anything since it was all crammed in there. When we got everything moved into the new office space, then about 2 weeks later the Ex slams it on me that she wants a divorce and is moving to another state! This is my BUSINESS PARTNER as well. So, now I have a Soon To Be Ex who tells me, “Look, I’ll work the business, but you need to tell me exactly what you want done.” I don’t have time for that bullshit - I really don’t. You KNOW the fucking business, you’ve worked it for over 8 years, you know how it is supposed to be ran, just fucking help me if I say, “can you do this and this and this” and don’t ask me for specific instruction. I told this story to a friend last night, and she replied with, “yes, that’s so she could then continue to tell everyone just how controlling you are - since she’s making you control what she’s doing.” Good point!

Anyway, with that, we would go int there and get what we could done - we were buying storage items, and I was moving things around, and trying to get stuff set up. We had to buy office furniture, and start going through product, of which we did, so that I could sell off some bulk and bring in some cash right away to cover a few months of rent. It was a nightmare. Now I have a new part time person that was learning under Chris, and is very excited about the job but seems to be too “fun” for it…I’m going to really have to sit down with her and explain what I want done and how FAST it needs to be done. I see a ton of potential, but I can tell she really needs to learn what I expect, and not what the Ex expected. The Ex was in charge of that aspect as I had to do other things that were more important, and she could assist in that as I told her what I wanted her to do.

I had surgery last month, which has severely limited what I can do as it was on my hand, and I’ve since banged up my elbow so badly that it still hurts a week later and still has a huge knot on it, and it makes lifting things difficult (that and it still hurts to lift with the hand I had surgery on - I think I’ve hit the month mark, so now I can start lifting whatever I want, to build it up).

I’ve BEEN working. I’ve been doing deals on my phone, talking to people here and there, networking. Sure, I haven’t been in the office 50 hours a week, but I think I need to start. I know I do. She actually kind of lit a fire under my ass.

The other thing, She always tells me that I can make my own schedule since I’m my own boss (something she can’t truly do, but does have some leniency with it) - yes, I can, technically, but my job, when it’s fully going, is dependent on my customers - and they dictate a LOT of what I’m doing. When I do start to work full time, I’ll have to tailor my schedule around parking (as it’s a huge issue right now, it’s all street and fills up by 7:30 in the morning - and I don’t know that I’m going to want to do a 6AM shift every day), and around what my customers want and expect. I might have to take weekends off, just because of mailing - as generally I need to mail out daily in order to keep up with what my expectations are and matrix on one of the sites I sell on, etc. It sucks, but it’s life. I’ll do what I have to do. If I could get someone fully trained on my basic running of the store (which will take time), then I could work 4 days a week, 10-11 hours a day and have 3 days off - which would be ideal, but if not I’ll probably be working 6 days a week for quite awhile, leaving me with only Sunday off, most likely, and if I’m working 6 days a week I’m not going to want to leave the house that day. That’s Her Saturday.

I didn’t like the criticism, I’ll be honest, but She really, really did get me starting to think again, and it’s good - it’s what I needed to hear. I needed a kick in the ass, as I DO want to be successful and proud of my accomplishments! This is one of the reasons I moved back here - and I thought that my Wife was going to go along with me…but, no, she doesn’t WANT to be successful and accomplished - she wants simplicity, cheap and basic. Okay, have what you want, I’m fine doing this alone and culling from the masses who need work.

I’d love a good business partner. I really would. When I have someone I can work with as a team, someone who understands what needs to be done and can really see the goal and focus, it’s amazing what I can get done with them. I had that with The Ex a few times over the past many years we were together, but not long enough to last for her. She’d get excited and start spinning things and putting them in motion and I’d get ramped back up and then, “poof”, she’d just stop - it was almost manic.

It’s funny, My Ex does have some manic moments in life - I wouldn’t consider her manic depressive, just heavily depressed (she’s clinically been diagnosed as chronically depressed or something to this effect), but when she felt good it was almost like she was manic, just because it was NORMAL happiness, and it was nice, and it was surprising! It could be equated to having nothing but rain and drizzle and then the sun comes out for 20 minutes and you get so happy you feel high! Even though it’s perfectly normal to have the sun out…it feels amazing.

That, right there, is what my life was like with her. I think her sadness has stuck with me, and I’m trying my hardest to break it out of me and get rid of it - I don’t need it.

So. The moral of this story is, I’m sad, but I’m going to get out of this and prove to myself that I can still function in normal society and I can make my business a success. If it’s not a success, at least I will have tried - and that was exactly what I was saying when I moved out here, before the shit hit the fan.

You know, I’ve been through so much hell in the past 9 years that I think taking a little time off is allowed. I lost my life (I died on the table during a normal procedure), I lost my Mother, I lost my Father, I lost my house, I lost my Grandmother, I lost my Familiar (my kitty, my best friend, my companion of 17 years), I lost my Wife, I lost my uterus, I had two or three other surgeries. Ya, I think I’m allowed a few months off to grieve the past 9 years…because I haven’t been able to.

(I’m not checking this for grammatical errors, so apologies if there were any.)

Last updated June 06, 2016